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female reporter and farmer Jokes

female reporter and farmer Jokes and more.

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Funny Break Up Lines

Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wanted a rematch next year so they could save face. The other company agreed. Right away, the Swedish team started to examine the reason they lost. The company created a special task force. After a lengthy examination for several months, the report was submitted that it appeared the Japanese team had one person at the helm and the rest were rowing. On the Swedish team, one person was rowing as the rest were at the helm. After this report, the company decided to hire a consultant to solve the issue. After experts went through the findings of the task force for a few months the judgment was clear: there were too few people rowing and too many people at the helm. Armed with this knowledge, the Swedish company took swift action and the result was that there would be 2 steersmen, 2 senior steersmen, a captain and a rower. In addition, the rower was enrolled in a bonus scheme system to motivate him for better results. So a year went by and it was time for the rematch. Surprisingly, the Japanese won again, this time by 3 kilometers! The Swedish company management knew exactly what to do. They fired the rower due to poor performance, got large bonuses for all managers for their initiative in trying to solve the issue and for next year, they decided they would try to design a better boat.

The Texas Farmer

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin. After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family. The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?” “Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.” “Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”

Cat Puns

4 Weddings and a Funeral Director

An 80-year-old lady was being interviewed by a local news station because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer began to ask her questions about her life, why she has decided to get remarried at 80, and for some information about her new husband. "My husband is a funeral director", she answered. "That's interesting", the reporter replied. The reporter was then curious about her previous three husbands and what their professions had been. After a few minutes of reflection, the woman smiled and answered proudly. She explained that in her 20's she married a banker, in her 40's a circus ringmaster, a preacher in her 60's and now, in her 80's, a funeral director. The reporter was unsure how to process her answer and then asked why she married four men with such different lives and career choices. The woman once again smiled and explained, "I married the first for the money, the second for the show, the third to prepare myself, and the fourth to go!"

Something Wrong With the Horse

A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields. Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it. The farmer said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy said, "He looks just fine. Tell you what, I'll give you $1,000 for him." The farmer again said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500. The farmer said, "Well, he doesn't look so good but if you want him that much he's yours." So the guy bought the horse and took him home. The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, "Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!" The farmer calmly said, "I told you he didn't look too good, didn't I?"

The Convincing Woman

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument about the intricacies of their practice. Eventually, the three male ministers were arguing against the one female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove that my point is correct." A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!" The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?" "Okay, okay," they said. "But it's still three against two."

Researching the Fiancé

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony. But, being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men. After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this: "Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

Mushroom Puns

Be More Tactful Next Time

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"

Rejection Pick Up Lines

The State Gets Involved to Fix Things

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?” asked the state trooper that was talking to him. The farmer paused for a minute before he responded. “Because knowing the federal government, they’d have decided to lower the highways.”

A Couple of Canaries

Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!" So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first?" To which she replied again, "No, thanks!" Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk?" This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."

The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc. The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and... Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

The Angel and the Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a special gift..." "I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two beautiful figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches... The angel, as pure as he was, couldn't hold a somewhat-less-than-holy curiosity, so he crept close and peeked beyond the bushes. He saw the two of them standing strangely, holding a pigeon. Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll do my business on its head."

Why Did Others Cross the Road? One Liners

April Fools Jokes

Grocery Store Pick Up Lines

How to Avoid Fatherhood

A pretty blond woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. 5 years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about 5 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah", says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Then let's take these bloody things off!"

What Did You Call Me!?

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.' So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.' The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?' The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.' The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says softly, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

And the Moral Is ...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." "Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far. Next, it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

Goat Puns

Theater Puns

Cow Puns

How Congress Truly Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

The Old Rooster vs. The New Rooster

A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced. However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave." The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed. "However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance." The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed. The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him. When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers. "Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."

The Illiterate Job Seeker

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window. He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him a coin. The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that." says the man. "Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter. "I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Imagine where you'd be if you could!" "Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."

Sheep Puns

What to Do With a Dead Horse

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Joe replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've spent it already." Joe said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?" Joe said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead horse!" Joe said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Joe said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece and made a profit of $2495." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Joe said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."

The Politicians and the Old Farmer

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for someone to rescue them from beneath the earth. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" "Well," The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, "some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

I Want...

A drunk falls into a cab, gives the cabbie a $20 bill and bellows "I wanna get screwed." The cabbie dutifully drives him to the 'burbs and points out a town house. The drunk staggers up to the front door, bangs on it, and screams "I wanna get screwed!" A female voice answers, "Slip $100 under the door." The drunk pushes $100 under the door. Nothing happens. After a while the drunk bangs on the door again and screams "I wanna get screwed!" The female voice answers, "What? Again!?"

Her Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest: "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yea, but who wants HIM back?"

The Farmer's Trial

A farmer named Rick had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now, what the heck would YOU say?"

The Loyal Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China. The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know." Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer." Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor with a smile. But he does not look convinced. Xi asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?" Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor then asks if he may asks a question. Xi agrees. Governor: "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government." Farmer: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that." Xi is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?" Farmer: "I actually HAVE two cows."

A Man Buys a Pig on a Farm

An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."

The King, the Weather and the Donkey

Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Moon Puns

A Blond Calls 911

A blond dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blond is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blond, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Get Out of My Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida): An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!

The Rabbi, Holy Man and the Lawyer

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood... The pig and the cow.

This is Risky Business

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Squirrel Puns

A Series of Coincidences

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I am celebrating." "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs." "This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," he said. "What a coincidence." Smiled the woman.

AC Unit Puns

Blonde, Brunette & Redhead Escape From Prison

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead. They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.' The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and she screams: 'POTATOES! POTATOES!'

Puns

The Weird Interview

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter. This “TRUE” interview went as follows: The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?” The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?” Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?” Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?” Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?” THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.

It's So Hot... One Liners

Animal Puns

The Lawyer, the Friend and the 2 Bears

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

Dinosaur Puns

The Old Fire Truck

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

The Farmers and the Logic Test

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers. Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."

Bacon Puns

Father, It's About My Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years. When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet." Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?" "Wait, wait..." said the Priest hurriedly, "you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic!"

Typical Day at the Farm

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!". The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Just a Weeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Dog Puns

Men and Women Take Different University Courses

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back.. Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. Resistance to Beer 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks") 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat 18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies 19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary 28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag 2. You Can Change The Oil Too 4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug 5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness 7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right 11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself 12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right 13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex 15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours 16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door 18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank 21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation 22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend 24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous 25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack 27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most 28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving 30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

A Woman of Good Reason

A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked. "Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' “Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” “Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”

Mall Pick Up Lines

Couch Puns

Canadian Pick Up Lines

The Guys, the Hole and the Goat

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it, then leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Coffee Puns

Deer Puns

Dad Knows Best

A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in. Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are. "Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread. Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer. At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly. "Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off. "... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed. "And yours are better!!" She shouts. Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom. On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!" "Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does." "Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"

Color Puns

Farmer Comes to the Rescue

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased. They solved the problem by using a special scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory. A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about. "Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

Biology Puns

Weather Puns

Crow Puns

The Wagon Mishap

A young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?" "Under the wagon."

Crocodile Puns

Food puns

Very Bad Little Parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought for a minute and then said: "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you. This may very well be the solution," the woman happily responded. The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

The Mule and the Mother-in-Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say: 'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'

Garden Puns

How The Media Gets its Headlines

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, whothank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page!' 'So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?' The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I'm not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.' The journalist writes it up and leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH! That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

Alien Puns

A Female Secret

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to lovemaking and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "I'm catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

Potato Puns

Lettuce Puns

Putin and the Journalist

With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference. "With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise up to the highest office of our great nation and become president?" President Putin responds immediately with a resounding "NO." without any hesitation, shocking all the reporters. "Why do you think that Mr. Putin?" the reporter asks, surprised and confused at the blunt dismissal. Vladimir calmly looks at the reporter and says "Because I am not a woman."

The Personal Ad

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls: "Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8 month old Labrador retriever.

Tiger Puns

Wolf Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

Train Puns

Some People Shouldn't Write Signs!

Some signs either make no sense or too many! On a bathroom door: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below." In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." In a london department store: "Bargain basement upstairs." In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken." Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?' Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness." Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car." Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, There is a day care on the 1st floor." Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges." Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons." On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door The bell doesn't work)."

Utensils Puns

Revenge of the Melon Farmer

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!"

I Had to Take Matters Into My Own Hands

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

History Puns

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

The Farmer and the Pig Food

A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around". The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you $10,000!" The next day another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer replies: "Oh the pigs? Only the finest products sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses and hand picked salads!" The man is shocked, he says "Sir, that food is way too rich for them, they'll get sick! I'll have to fine you $10,000!" The third day another man approaches the farmer again and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves."

You Can Tell It's Sunday

Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment. He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

25 Years For Being Lazy

In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long. "Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?" Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?" Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?" Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?" Liu: "25 years for being lazy." All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?" Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep. My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."

France Puns

One Liners for Kids

Flight Puns

How About That Duck, Sir?!?

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."

The Rooster and the Farmer's Daughter

A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse. The farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my daughter." The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father's shoulder. "Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman. "Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business. If you touch her, I'll kill you." "Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me!" Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room. To get through, one of them would have to break them. However, In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, busts through the eggs and he and the willing farmer's daughter spend some passionate time together. They break all the eggs in the process. When they're done, they spend the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall. They couldn't get the yolks in so they just glued the shells together and threw away the rest, so there was a wall of empty eggs. The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple of eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. However, all the eggs he tries turn out empty. When the salesman wakes up, he goes down and is surprised to find the farmer staring out the window at his chickens, holding a shotgun. "What are you doing?" asked the man. The farmer continues to stare. "I think one of my roosters is using a condom."

The Invention of Yodeling

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! slept with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

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