Jokes > Search Results > breast cancer signs

breast cancer signs Jokes

breast cancer signs Jokes and more.

Related Tags: breast signs cancer bowel cancer funny signs highway signs stomach cancer

There's No Joke Like a Senior Joke!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. -------------------------- I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'! -------------------------- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. -------------------------- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. -------------------------- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! -------------------------- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''

Gifts From China

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What happens if this doesn't work?' The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILED'. Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel but it wouldn't even switch on. He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee. The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'

Classical Music Jokes

Toilet Puns

The $50 Lemonade Stand

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade “Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?” a little girl calls to him. The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”. “Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.” The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!” The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?” The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!” The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?” “Homemade brownies, 50 cents!” The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.” The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!” “You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.” “Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate. Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?” She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!” “This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!” The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”

Before We Die

A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane. There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman. Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”

I KNEW You Were Drunk

I got pulled over earlier today... Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.” Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.” Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A car..?” Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?” Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.” Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.” Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.” Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A motorcycle.” Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?” Me: “I have no idea!” Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.” Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?” Cop: “A hooker of course.” Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?” Long story short... things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

Clever Jokes

The Three Jacksons

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."

Funny Summer Quotes

The New Sergeants

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky, were promoted right from privates to sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes with a big smile. "But we's sergeants now!"

The Convincing Woman

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument about the intricacies of their practice. Eventually, the three male ministers were arguing against the one female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove that my point is correct." A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!" The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?" "Okay, okay," they said. "But it's still three against two."

Ghoul Puns

Funny Yoga Quotes

Why is Daddy Special?

A father, mother and child went out to spend time on the beach on a hot summer's day, but as soon as they reached the beach they discovered that there was a black flag there, a sign not to enter the water. The boy really wanted to get in the water, but his mother did not agree and they stayed on the beach to rest in the sun and play in the sand. After a few minutes, the father got bored and turned to his wife: "Keep an eye on the boy, I'm going into the water, there's no way the sea is really that dangerous." After a few minutes the boy asked "Mom, why did you let dad get in the water and not me?" "Because you and father are two different people and there are things he can do and you can't." answered the mother. "Is it because dad knows how to swim really well?" continued the boy. "Not really" answered the mother. "Is it because dad is big and strong?" "No." "Then why is daddy allowed to enter the water and I'm not?" the boy complained. "Because daddy has life insurance."

Two Men With Black Eyes

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat, evil hag'."

In My Defense...

Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?" Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old." Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me." Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?" Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly." Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?" Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh." Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?" Little Old Lady: "No, I didn’t stop him." Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my Albert died some 30 years ago." Defense Attorney: "What happened next?" Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts." Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?" Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him." Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!" Defense Attorney: "What happened next?" Little Old Lady:" Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer." Defense Attorney: "And did he?" Little Old Lady: "Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the bastard."

The Burning Questions of Life

These innocent-looking questions are actually cleverly crafted: Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

The Best Weight Loss Program

A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company, all his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program." Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, you are mine."

Bread Puns

Driving Quotes

The Priests, the Car and the Warning

Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!" The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away! Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash! One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"

Sun Puns

Medical Puns

The Farmer's Trial

A farmer named Rick had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now, what the heck would YOU say?"

What Can Else Can You Do?

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Turkey, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

The State Gets Involved to Fix Things

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?” asked the state trooper that was talking to him. The farmer paused for a minute before he responded. “Because knowing the federal government, they’d have decided to lower the highways.”

Puns

The Parrot and the New House

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"

A Human Loving Alien

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat... "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because it's a space bar."

Rejection Pick Up Lines

Stove Puns

The Hilarious Idiosyncrasies of English

English is a funny language, wouldn't you say? 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 4. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 17. Can vegans eat animal crackers? 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines? 20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those road signs? 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? 24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 25. How is it possible to have a civil war? 26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it? 30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Crab Puns

The Best Smart Answers

SMART ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMART ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid re plied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2020 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-azz guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A Swan Shan't Be Friends With a Pig

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch. However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have.' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!'

One Liners for Kids

The Baby's Check-Up

A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh... he is breast fed!" replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. After a few minutes of this, the doctor motions to her to get dressed, then he says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman responds with a wry grin, "Well of course I don't." "Why is that?" Asks the doctor in surprise. "Well, I'm his aunt, but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in today!"

Revenge of the Melon Farmer

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!"

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

How to Get Your Packages

Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers. Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to receive them. I’m getting sick of it.” Mick, understanding his frustration, suggests “Maybe you should fight back, complain about it or something.” Dave confidently replies “Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got it sorted today. I’ve put a sign on the front saying that I trade books for paint thinner.” Mick confusedly asks “And how will that solve the problem?” As though on cue, the doorbell rings and a man is heard calling out that he’s with the local postal delivery service, followed by some choice swearing. Dave, nonplussed by the whole situation, wipes his mouth, stands up and says to Mick “Because I covered the front doorstep with super glue.”

Don't Anger the Interviewer

Tim was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Tim decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Tim asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Tim got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Tim again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tim was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Tim was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, glasses would fall right off wouldn't they?"

Goblin Puns

Nature Puns

It's So Hot... One Liners

If You're Outdoors, Wear a Bell Please

"Important Announcement: In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

Funny Family Quotes

This Old Lady Adheres to Road Signs

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Bathroom Puns

The 3 Gentlemen and the Wall of Lies

Three men are walking in the desert for days, seeking a way out of the heated hellscape. There was an American, An Englishman and a Brazilian man. After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. They break down weeping, when the American spots a sign near the wall. The sign reads: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "We, the English gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "We, the American gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Brazilian man, he takes a deep breath and starts: "We, the Brazilian gentlemen-" The wall shatters.

Disgracing the Family

A young Italian girl was going on her first date. Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice. Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

Toxic Pick Up Lines

Real Estate Puns

The Illiterate Job Seeker

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window. He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him a coin. The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that." says the man. "Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter. "I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Imagine where you'd be if you could!" "Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."

My Experience with Women

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.

Beaver Puns

Little Johnny is Fascinated

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.” The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” She sighed. "Go head, Johnny." Little Johnny smiles, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.

The Young Priest's Ideas

An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. "Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”

You're in Trouble Now...

After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?" The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

The Weird Interview

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter. This “TRUE” interview went as follows: The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?” The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?” Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?” Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?” Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?” THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.

Some People Shouldn't Write Signs!

Some signs either make no sense or too many! On a bathroom door: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below." In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." In a london department store: "Bargain basement upstairs." In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken." Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?' Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness." Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car." Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, There is a day care on the 1st floor." Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges." Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons." On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door The bell doesn't work)."

The Special Deal

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside. It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh, this is kerosene!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Doctor: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Doctor: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.'

The New Blonde Stewardess

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

History Puns

Basketball Puns

Shower Puns

Funny Break Up Lines

A Punny Story...

I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor. The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone. It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so. I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at a hundred miles per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back. Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians. As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again. She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen – hanging from her left nostril. She had teeth like the ten commandments – all broken. She also had the most beautiful eyes – so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one. Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast – breaking three of my fingers!

The Blond Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for his first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new attendant was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and so he called him up wondering what happened to him. He answered the phone in distress, and said he couldn't get out of his room! "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" "There are only three doors in here," the man groaned, "one leads to the bathroom, one leads to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes

Strawberry Puns

Leg Puns

The Exotic Breakfast

A man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry. He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, "Try our Exotic Breakfast now" so he walks in and sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what he wants. The man asks, "What's your Exotic Breakfast?" "Baked tongue of chicken," she proudly replies The man shouts, "Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I'd never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth! Urrghhh!!" The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, "No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?" The man says, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."

Thanksgiving Jokes

The Big City Lawyer and the Prize Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."

Gyno Turned Mechanic

After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself. Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

I'm Gonna Get Some Work Done

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" "Oh, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."

The George and Dragon

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town. The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze. Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room. "Rooms cost £20 per night, we don't accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days." "Alright then, could I get something to eat ma-" "Kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?" "Yes, could I please talk to George?"

Those Clever Nuns

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. NORTON HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF ST. NORTON HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST, NORTON HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. NORTON He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

How to Get Regular Visits

A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren. "I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!" The second old lady said "Oh I too send checks to my grandchildren and they visit me all the time!" "You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own." said the first one sadly. The second old lady smiled: "No my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours." "So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?" Asked the first one, surprised. "No," chuckled the other old lady, "I just don't sign mine."

Quotes

Knock Knock Jokes

Tennis Puns

Baby's First Check Up

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She undressed and the doctor began his exam. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight - you don't have any milk!" "I know," she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm certainly glad I came."

One Liners and Short Jokes

Tableware Puns

Witch Puns

The Berkowitz Baby

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz, and he was at work when his wife called in panic - she was ready to give birth! He hurried to the hospital as quickly as he could, marveling that his son, Charles, is about to be born. One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labor. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital. He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door [BEAUTIFUL BABIES] Excitedly he rushed in, "I want to see my son!" The nurse asked for the name. "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looked at the list and said, "sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall." Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign [Beautiful Babies] Alright, "My son will have a pretty easy life looking handsome." He thought and walked in. "I want to see my son." "Name, please." "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and says, "sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall." So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign [Ugly Babies] "That's alright." He thought. "Looks don't matter." He walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall." Dejected... the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door - [Very Ugly Babies] "It doesn't matter what he looks like." He thinks to himself. "I'll love him no matter what." He walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall." He was getting really worried now... He walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it that says... [Charles Berkowitz]

The New School

An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "Then what was it??" "Well, on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

Chuck Norris Jokes

Ice Cream Puns

Orange Puns

Bear Puns

Pig Puns

Be More Tactful Next Time

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"

The Panhandling Strategy

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. One day, Carlos asked Jose: "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" "Look at your sign, what does it say?" replies Jose. Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." Jose says: "no wonder you only get $2-3." 'Carlos says: "So what does your sign say then?" Jose shows Carlos his sign - it reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."

Phone Puns

The Doctor's Waiver

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate se*! You'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active intercourse and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such se* with you." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous se* any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

Language Pick Up Lines

How to Annoy Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Please leave", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he shoves the smaller man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same man is standing there thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

Witty Horoscope Quotes

Granny's Day on the Highway

Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lot of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma

A Different Type of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

Working Late Again

A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work, he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and made love for two hours. Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. A-ha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look at what he did to my breasts!"

Turkey Puns

Pun Puns

Hair Puns

The Man, the Camera and His Butt

These two guys are sat in their hospital beds having a little chat. The first guy asks the second, "What are you in for?" "Camera down the throat." the second guy replies. "Oh, endoscopy?" the first guy asks. The second guy says, "Yeah. Checking for stomach cancer. How about you?" "Camera up the butt" the first guy says. "Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?" asks the second guy. The first guy says, "No, my neighbor was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo."