I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes