I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I have a heart-on for you.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.