When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
I have a heart-on for you.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
You’re my heartthrob.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I lub dub you with all my heart.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.