What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
"No body won the skeleton race."
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.