The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8 month old Labrador retriever.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
The Old Hunting Story
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,
"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began, "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!' Well... I just crapped my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!'"
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning? Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
The Blonde Hunters
Two blondes decided to go on a hunting trip to see what it's all about.
After a few days camping, they finally bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about a mile left to reach the truck."
Another hunter happened upon them then, saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won't stick in the mud."
So the blondes give it try and it worked! The first blonde says, "That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier."
The second blonde says, "Sure was, but now we're two miles from the truck."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The Leather Worker
A leather worker was flying to Australia when his plan crashed. As bad luck would have it, he got separated from the rest of the floating passengers and found himself stranded on a small deserted island.
Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself.
With a steady supply of food, the leather worker knew it was time to find a way off the island. He decides to make a large canopy out of the cow's leather and used some leaves to spell out S.O.S that could easily be seen from above. A few days later, a passing plane spots the message, and calls a ship to rescue the man.
It just goes to show you that when all else fails, the best thing to do is to hide in plane sight.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears.
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby.
First, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear.
Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It should also make the same sound back at you. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy, right?" The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months.
After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind.
He asked him what happened. The newbee says: "I did as what you told me before. But god darn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!"
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
A hunter takes his daughter deer hunting for the first time.
As they get to the deer stand, the hunter tells his daughter to get in the stand and sit very still, and if a deer comes out, shoot it.
The hunter leaves his daughter in the stand and starts walking to his own stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud bang of a rifle echoing through the woods from the direction of his daughter’s stand. He thinks, wow! My daughter must have already shot a deer!
So he turns back and heads to her stand. But when he gets there, he sees his daughter arguing with a game warden.
He hears his daughter yelling at the game warden, “get away from my deer!”
The game warden yells back, “look, girl, I already told you, this is not a deer. I should have you arrested for such negligence with a firearm!”
The hunter’s daughter is so pissed at this point that she loads a round into her deer rifle, points it right at the game warden’s face, and says, “this is a deer. I shot it. It’s my deer. Now step away or I will blow your head off.”
The game warden slowly puts his hands up as he’s staring down the barrel of her loaded deer rifle. He then nervously says, “okay Ma’am. I was wrong. I see now that it is a deer. But before you take it away, can I get my saddle off of it?”
God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?"
One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Nah, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage.
"Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last."
The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list.
"Next up, we have wings, who wants to fly?" The first pig says: "Wow, we've got to get THAT one! We could fly all day?" The second pig says: "Exactly, fly around all day, beat your wings all the time? That sounds exhausting, you'd have to fly for hours beating your wings like mad to stay aloft. No thank you! Let's wait for the really good stuff."
God looks at his list, getting to the end. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed...
Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date. But she wasn't really Inuit.
Farmer vs. Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."