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temple city hotel Jokes

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Hue and the Friars

The church in my town fell on hard times recently. There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff. "Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up." "We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset. He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goes to the governor, but he gets told the Church isn't doing anything wrong. The week rolls by, and the friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, maddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the friars. Hue scares all the friars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true: Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.

The Parisian Belle & the Salesman

The owner and head of sales of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in Paris on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was utterly amazed and took her home. To this very day, he still doesn't know how she guessed that he was a furniture salesman!

The Texas Farmer

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin. After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family. The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?” “Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.” “Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”

Ancient Rome Puns

Corny Jokes

The New Blonde Stewardess

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Not My Problem...

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Bat Puns

The Blond Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for his first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new attendant was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and so he called him up wondering what happened to him. He answered the phone in distress, and said he couldn't get out of his room! "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" "There are only three doors in here," the man groaned, "one leads to the bathroom, one leads to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

The Naked Neighbor

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Bacon Puns

Funny Haiku

The Tax Return Form

A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question. One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents. A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.” In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.” In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”

The Chinese Complaint

A Chinese man comes to Los Angeles for a holiday. He arrives at LAX and gets a cab to take him to his hotel. On the way he sees a few buses, and he says to the taxi driver: "The buses here are so noisy and really slow... In China the buses are very fast!" The taxi driver says nothing. Later the Chinese tourist sees a marine with a few boats sailing by. He comments again to the driver: "The boats here are so slow... in China the boats are very fast!" The driver kept silent and drove. When they get to the hotel, the Chinese tourist gets out of the taxi and askes for the meter reading. The driver calmly tells him the price, and the man is startled. "Are you kidding?" he yells, "Your buses are so slow, the boats are so slow. If everything else here is so slow then how come the meter of your taxi is so fast?!?" The driver gives him a smile and says: "It's made in China."

The Foul Mouthed, 7 Year Old Conductor

A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set. As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on." The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again. "This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on." Angry that her son used such foul language, she bursts into the room and sends him to his room for an hour of time out. After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees. Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again. After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen."

A Blonde on a Train

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?" "Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseated from sitting backward on the train." "Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?" "I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

Gnome Puns

Jokes For Women

The Moment Has Finally Arrived

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

An Irishman Gets Pulled Over

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

I Can't Manage That Test!

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

The Angel and the Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a special gift..." "I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two beautiful figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches... The angel, as pure as he was, couldn't hold a somewhat-less-than-holy curiosity, so he crept close and peeked beyond the bushes. He saw the two of them standing strangely, holding a pigeon. Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll do my business on its head."

Milk Puns

Gifts From China

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What happens if this doesn't work?' The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILED'. Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel but it wouldn't even switch on. He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee. The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'

The Wife's Math

A woman comes home and find a letter from her husband on the dinner table. She opens it and reads: "My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18...

Just Get Lost, Will You!?

A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door. He says: "Wow, it's dark here!" You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room. The man asks, "What do you want? Here's $10. Leave us alone." A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!" "Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." The boy goes out with $20. The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself." So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!". To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

Funny Family Quotes

Can You Keep an Eye On My Car?

A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack. As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk. He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

Funny Birthday Poems

Brain Puns

Ogre Puns

The Old Switcheroo...

George came home from University in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?" "No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?" George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" she asked. "It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."

How to Meet the Pope

A catholic man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope. For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and planned his lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here!"

Bus Puns

Mushroom Puns

The Advanced New Supermarket

As Josh strolled along the street, he saw his buddy Michael striding along anxiously with lots of bags in his hands. "Hey Michael, is everything alright? You seem kind of jumpy." Michael set the bags on the ground and said, "Yeah, I was just now at the state-of-the-art supermarket that they launched in the industrial part of the city." "Oh? What's it like there? I heard it's remarkable." "Kind of..." Michael replied. Josh was amazed when Michael described the grocery store with enthusiasm - emphasizing the atmosphere of naturalness and genuineness. You could hear cows mooing and smell the barn in the milk section. In the egg aisle, chickens were cackling and the chicken coop was in the air, and it was even better in the vegetable section - you could literally hear the farmers and smell the fields! "Wow, that sounds incredible!" Josh exclaimed. "Well, yes, in principle." said Michael with a grimace, "But this is the last time I'm going there to buy toilet paper."

Food Quotes

How to Improve Your Life

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the fisherman. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life." The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"

How About That Duck, Sir?!?

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."

Soup Puns

The Three Jacksons

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."

What Bravery is All About

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than your SAS." "I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer. "They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this." The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts, "SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off." "SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to the top and without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives, but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery." "Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF." The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, go screw yourself, sir. The Officer turns around to the American and says, "You see? THAT'S bravery."

Funny Tongue Twisters

Mouse Puns

The Attractive Shoe Shiner

A few decades ago, a man walked into a barber shop and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please." As it was in those days, the barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge. However, instead of the usual child or assistant, a gorgeous woman kneels down and shines his shoes for him. The man said, "Hi there sweetheart. You know, you're pretty gorgeous." "Why thank you." said the woman and flashed him a smile. "How about, after my shave, we both get out of here and go to my hotel room?" asks the excited young man. "I don't think my husband would like that." she replied. "Oh, nonsense! Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference!" Smirks the customer. "You tell him." She says, smiling, "He's the one shaving you."

The Big City Lawyer and the Prize Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."

Advice from the Pope

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him. Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"

Christian Pick Up Lines

The New Technology

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Junior, go get your Mother."

Rain Puns

Travel Pick Up Lines

Giant Puns

The Undertaker's Worst Mistake

Three retired gentlemen were sitting together, having coffee and talking about their life's experiences. Then one of the suggests they each relate their most exciting experience. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting. The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, and many damsels in distress to save. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third, a retired undertaker, started, “One night I got a call from the local Hilton hotel to pick up a body. I get to the room with the body, which was under a sheet. So far so good, but when I got a look at the corpse, I had a problem. It had a huge... bulge, if you know what I mean. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that bulge just as hard as I could to make it go down.” He paused. The retired fireman asked, “ah... no offense, but how was that exciting?” The undertaker sighed and said, “Turns out... I was in the wrong room.”

The Three Couples and Their Honeymoon

Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons. The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to make love to her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."

Animal Puns

Little Johnny is Asked About Jesus

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

Shark Puns

Rabbit Puns

Medieval Puns

Physics Puns

The Spying Hotel

A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel. “I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. "I read online that some hotels do that!" “That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. “Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. “You guys must’ve had a good time last night!” the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!” The clerk replies “Well the entire chandelier came down on the floor below you...”

Little Johnny is Fascinated

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.” The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” She sighed. "Go head, Johnny." Little Johnny smiles, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.

Quotes

Rainbow Puns

A Monocle Walks Into a Bar...

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

Foreign Trouble in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water." "But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal." "Wait a minute," said the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'!" "Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

Gorilla Puns

Funny Nature Quotes

The Outback Army Recruit

An Army Recruit from the Australian outback sends a letter home: 'Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope you are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit, and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila.'

A Dirty-Minded Captain

A jumbo jet is on its final approach coming in to Toronto Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom. "This is your Captain speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what you gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give it to her big-time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta use the bathroom first."

Those Darn Time Differences

One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign. "Why?" Putin asks him "Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences! I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow. "Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"

The Difference a Letter Makes

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen of her tablet: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. - Sure is HOT down here!"

Everything is Bigger in Texas

A blind man is unafraid to travel and experience new things around the world. Eventually, his travels take him to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is huge!” “EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!” says the bellhop cheerfully. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are enormous!” The bartender disclaims: “EVERYTHING is big in Texas!” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and the poor guy falls right in. The few swimmers there were shocked when a man suddenly popped his head up from under the water flailing his arms and screaming, “Don’t flush, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!”

Here's Why, Rabbi!

An old Jewish tale tells of a pious man who, upon reaching the wise and esteemed age of 105, suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these many years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105! So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me." "So?" the Rabbi asked indignantly. "So," whispered the man with a finger to his lips, "I don't want to remind him!"

Bible Puns

Unicorn Puns

Well, It Can't Get Any Worse...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Rejection Pick Up Lines

Christian Puns

The Genie, the Jackass and the Honeycomb

A little person brings in a jackass and a honeycomb into a little hotel. The manager asked, "what can we do for you?" He said, "I need a room, as my wife threw me out." The manager asked "That's sad. Whatever for? And, excuse my curiosity, why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?" "Well," the little guy answered, "my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a 'house fit for a queen', so he gave her this beehive." The manager asked, "And what of the third wish?" "For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my penis hang down past my knee." "Well, that one's not so bad!" the manager exclaimed. "'Not so bad!?', he replied, "I used to be 6 feet tall!"

A Punny Story...

I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor. The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone. It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so. I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at a hundred miles per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back. Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians. As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again. She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen – hanging from her left nostril. She had teeth like the ten commandments – all broken. She also had the most beautiful eyes – so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one. Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast – breaking three of my fingers!

Duck Puns

Bathroom Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

The Marvelous Shoes and the Gallant Husband

A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City. The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd love to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. "Maybe I should ask her." The husband raises a hand. "Allow me, my love." The wife beams at him. "What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie." The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?" "I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman. "Nice. How much were they?" "Oh, around 500 dollars." "Thanks for letting me know." The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, "She got her shoes in Los Angeles."

How to Use Timbuktu!

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Oral Hygiene Puns

Cow Puns

Cheese Puns

The Mayoral Solution

A large sinkhole opens up on a remote town. An alarming number of people fall into it and injure themselves and it's difficult to get them all to the small hospital they have. The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. However, they only have 2 ambulances and they're needed more in the center of the town to get there quickly. So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone nods in deep wisdom. Alas, after a few days it's obviously not really doing much and it just creates more accidents with too many cars on the smaller roads. Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole. Finally the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells: "You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole and then we dig a new one next to the hospital!"

Funny Limericks

The Nip Slip in the Swimming Pool

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom. That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life. When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

Shenanigans in a Dark Tunnel

Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably. The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!" The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me." The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped." The poor man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”

Life Really Does Happen In Numbers

Four men were discussing coincidences at a bar. The first man said: "My wife was reading a Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny", the second man remarked. "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets" “My goodness,” the third man chimed in. “The same happened to me. My wife had quintuplets after reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven.” The fourth man shouted, now looking quite ill, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!"

Spain Puns

France Puns

Witch Puns

Dog Puns

Wifi Puns

The Saddest Story of All

Three writers, Sam, Pete, and Chuck, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel. When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs." Now, Sam was a writer of funny stories, Pete was a writer of scary stories, and Chuck was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Sam would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Pete would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Chuck would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75. They started to climb the stairs, and Sam started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Pete and Chuck were laughing hysterically. Then Pete started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Sam and Chuck were hugging each other in fear. Then Chuck started to tell sad stories. He stuck his hands in his pockets, thinking. "Ah, I'll tell my saddest story of all first." he said. He coughed nervously. "There once was a man named Chuck, who left the hotel room key in the car..."

The Senior Couple and the Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came into his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Everything For $1

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls."

Time For Him to Know the Truth

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They sleep with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

There Once Was a Man...

Three writers, Jack, Eddie, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel. When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs." Now, Jack was a writer of funny stories, Eddie was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Jack would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Eddie would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75. They started to climb the stairs, and Jack started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Eddie and Carl were laughing hysterically. Then Eddie started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Jack and Carl were hugging each other in fear. Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said, smiling nervously, "There once was a man named Carl who left the hotel room key in the car..."

You're in Trouble Now...

After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?" The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

The Pantomiming Pope

It was a sunny day in Rome when the Pope decided that he wants all the Jews out of Rome. Of course, there was a huge protest from the Jewish sector. So the Pope decided he will give them a chance. He invited them to send their greatest mind for a religious debate with him. If the Jewish man won, the Jews could remain living in the city. If the Pope won, the Jews had to leave. At the Jewish community, they realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too much responsibility, what if they failed? The only one willing was an old man named Moishe. Being old, he decided he had less to lose. "I've seen and done it a lot in my life. I'm not afraid." he said. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope accepted this, thinking it a wise decision and will prevent them from repeating the same old arguments. The day of the holy debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for several minutes, contemplating each other. Then the Pope raised his hand and unfurled them to show three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised just one finger. The Pope waved his finger in a circle around himself. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat emphatically. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay!' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was everywhere and will wherever they go from this place. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us, judging us always. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me that we are born with original sin. The man had an answer for everything. What could I do??' Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' Moishe shrugged. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

The Helpful Train Manager

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour." So, his wife lies down on the bed...and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look, lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says in an ominous tone, "are you doing here?" The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Family Vacation Quotes

Mummy Puns