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I Wonder If It's Him...

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!", I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, "What did you teach?"

Puns

Hockey Pick Up Lines

The Little Boy and the Gravestones

A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone. The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?" His mother replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife." Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?", pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name. "We really didn't like Uncle Joe." Said his mother.

The ABCs of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." "What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously. He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!" She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?" "I'm Just Kidding!" (The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Funny Aging Quotes

Nuts Puns

One Liners for Kids

One Liners and Short Jokes

Don't Mess With Believers, Okay?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks, breathing hard. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

And What Does YOUR Father Do?

It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living. Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all. When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half." "Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?" "I don't know." Said Johnny. "A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher. "I don't know." repeated Johnny. "Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher. "Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."

God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat

Adam and Eve said, "Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG. And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created the CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.

The Surgeon Lecturer

One day when I was a junior medical student, a very important Boston surgeon visited the school and delivered a great treatise on a large number of patients who had undergone successful operations for vascular reconstruction. At the end of the lecture, a young student at the back of the room timidly asked, "Do you have any control subjects?" The surgeon drew himself up to his full height, slammed the desk with his fist, and said, "Do you mean did I NOT operate on half the patients?!" The hall grew very quiet then. The voice at the back of the room hesitantly replied, "Yes, that's what I had in mind." Then the surgeon's fist really came crashing down as he thundered, "Of course not!! That would have doomed half of them to their death!!" God it was quiet then.... And one could scarcely hear the small voice ask: "Which half?"

Romantic Pick Up Lines

Joe in Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name. "Joe." he replies. "Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level." "Oh, it won't be that bad then." joe replies. "Joe, that's the hottest level," says the gatekeeper in a pained expression, "because heat rises. You'd know that if you had studied for your test."

A Human Loving Alien

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat... "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because it's a space bar."

Jokes For Women

The Most Social Person

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come. "I'm sorry Boss," Said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least." "What do you mean?!?" Asks the boss with derision. "Who can you possibly know?" "Name someone famous," shrugged Dave, "I'll bet you I know him." Amused, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about... Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?" He smirks. "Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Though impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him. It was growling. "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." said the parrot.

Wine Puns

A Mother Explains

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and make love.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy’s thing. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, dear... Jewelry.”

Corona Virus Jokes

Her Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest: "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yea, but who wants HIM back?"

Literary Pick Up Lines

Funny Limericks

Hug Puns

The Rabbi, the Horse and the Hat

On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him. The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!" "In the next race, there was a horse named 'Bowler' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!" "So did you bring the money home?" asked his father. "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing." "You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!'" Sighing to himself, the father then asked, "So who did win the race?" "A real long shot," said the son. "Some Spanish horse named 'Sombrero'."

The Smart Robber

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established and turned into passive income.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Travel Pick Up Lines

Space Pick Up Lines

Pig Puns

Nurse Beth

Three doctors with a growing private practice decided they needed to hire a new nurse onto their staff to meet their needs. They hired a very qualified applicant named Beth, and met after a week to discuss the new nurse's abilities in her new role. "She does a really good job with the patients, but I'm concerned Beth is mixing things up a bit. I told her that her shift was from 7 AM to 5 PM and she showed up at 5 AM the next day." Said the first doctor. The second doctor chimed in, "I have had some similar issues. I told Beth to tell the patient they needed to take one antibiotic every 6 hours and she told them they needed to take 6 every one hour." The third doctor looked shocked, "I have had no issues so far-" The three heard a blood-curdling scream from the next room over. "Oh," said the third doctor, "I see what you mean. I just asked Beth to prick the boil on the patient in the next room."

A Blonde By Any Other Name

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV." But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked. "Because that's a microwave."

Phone Number Pick Up Lines

The "Big" News

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new. A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."

Little Johnny and the Name of the Lord

A Sunday School teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year. Sunday School Teacher: "Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?" Little Johnny: "Hallowed!" Sunday School Teacher: "Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?" Little Johnny: "It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name..."

Lobster Puns

Egg Puns

Cow Puns

Between Anger and Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?” The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Chemistry Pick Up Lines

A Blonde Interview

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" He asks. The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 25!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Bob, Bob, Bob and Bob

A reporter hears of a woman in his town that has the highest welfare payments, and he was curious as to why. So he went to her house to interview her. He got to a little house and after she opens, introduces himself and asks her, "How old are you?" He asked. "27." she said. "And how many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "Wow, ok that explains a lot." He said, taken a back. "And what are their names?" he asked. "Well there's Bob, then there's Bob, and Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and of course Bob." "They're ALL named Bob?" he asked, even more bewildered. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she explained, "I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside." "And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do." She answered. "But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

Counting the Engines

It just happens that a long time ago, and for the first time in their lives, two country boys take their first flight from Florida to New York. While they're talking to each other they get interrupted by an announcement from the pilot: "Sorry to disturb you all but I think it's best you know one of our engines has failed. Don't worry we can still make it on 3 engines but there'll be a delay of one hour." So they begin talking again but soon another announcement is heard: "We regret to inform you that our second engine has failed which will mean another delay of an hour but don't worry we'll still make it." So the two grumble a bit but not for long as the pilot's voice is heard again after a few minutes: "Unfortunately our third engine has failed, meaning there'll be a delay of another hour to the journey." One of them turns to his friend and says, "Well darn, if that last engine fails we'll be up here all night!"

Medical Pick Up Lines

Flower Pick Up Lines

Knight Puns

What Computer Acronyms Really Mean

People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms, so here's a list: WWW World Wide Wait COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis DOS Defective Operating System OS/2 Obsolete Soon 2 BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft SAP Slow And Painful BSDO Blue Screen of Death Google Gradually Overcoming Our Ghastly Legal Environment Yahoo You Always Have Other Options

The Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce. He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

The Doctor's Plants

Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening. “But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?” Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!” The man seemed to accept that, and promised to stop his smoking. After he left, the doctors went to lunch. As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, “Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?” “A water lily."

A Case of Defamation

A woman was sued by a man for defamation of character. He charged that she had called him a pig. She was found guilty and fined. After the trial, she asked the judge: "Does this mean I cannot call Mr. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mr. Johnson?" asked the woman. The judge replied that she could indeed call a pig Mr. Johnson with no fear of being charged with a crime. The woman turned, looked directly at Mr. Johnson, and said, "Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson."

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

Christmas Puns

A Bear Walks Into a Bar...

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear. The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted." "Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?" "I'll have a glass of..." says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before adding "... scotch." "Why the long face?" asks the bartender. "Don't you mean "big pause"?" asks the bear. "Yeah, sorry." Sighs the Bartender. "Like I said, it's been a rough day."

Clever Jokes

Pick Up Lines

Losing His Last Name

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," the driver replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a mental case on his hands but he has a long shift ahead and he's bored, so he goes along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades." "When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD." "Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD." "Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD." Then the VD took away my dingaling . So now... I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, not every day they get to raise a question before the President of Russia. "Yes, cute girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with braids, who began to speak, saying, "Hello, Mr. President. My name is Sasha and I wanted to know: Do you think one day Russia will return to itself as the Soviet Union, In the past? " "Of course," Putin replied. "It is only a matter of time before all the countries of Eastern Europe, and even the countries of the world, understand that it is in their favor." "Yes cute boy, next question please," Putin said, pointing to a boy with freckles, who said, "Hello Mr. President. My name is Arkady and I wanted to know: what is the secret of your success? Because you are the most powerful and important man in all of Russia." "The truth is," Putin said, "I am the most powerful and important man in the whole world, and the secret of my success is that I just know what is good for everyone, so everyone trusts me to run the country for the best." "Do you have any more questions?" Putin wondered, then pointed to a blond boy raising his hand. The boy spoke and said: "Hello Mr. President. My name is Boris and I wanted to know why Russia is sending troops to Ukraine and why we have annexed the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine to us?". A moment after Boris finished asking his question the break bell suddenly rang, and everyone went out for lunch. When the break was over, Putin and all the children returned to the lecture hall. "Yes sweet girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with short hair who stood up. "Hello Mr. President. My name is Katya and I wanted to know where Boris is?"

Dad Puns

What kind of Animal Are You?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician!"

The Music of the Rainforest

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides... when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.” Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers started getting nervous. “The drums sound closer, and we think they are getting louder! What does it mean?” “When drums stop, very bad.” Doing their best to maintain composure the Europeans kept moving. About 5 minutes later the drums abruptly stop and the explorers panic. “The drums have stopped! What should we do?!” “When drums stop, very bad, now comes bass solo.”

Questionable Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Language Pick Up Lines

Oh, Donna...

A gunman held a couple at gun point. While in the process of taking their valuables, he asked them: Gunman: "What's your name?" Woman: "My name is Donna." Gunman: "You have a name like my mother. I will not kill you." He turned to the man. "And you?" Man: "My name is Don, but my friends call me Donna."

The Old Switcheroo...

George came home from University in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?" "No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?" George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" she asked. "It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."

Christian Quotes

Chuck Norris Jokes

Grounds for Divorce

A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well. One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions: "Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home." "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete." "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one." "I mean what are your relations like?" All my relations still in Poland. "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." "Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her." "Why do you want this divorce?" "She going to kill me." "What makes you think that??" "I got proof." "What kind of proof?" "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER."

The Action Hero Meeting

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch. They are meeting to discuss Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun." "Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'll conduct a symphony of pain!" "Sweet," says Stallone. "Well, Arnie? What about you? Who're you going to be?" Schwarzenegger thinks about this for a long moment, nods his head and says: "I'll be *Bach.*"

St. Patrick's Day Puns

The 2.99 Special

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet..God willing, someday you will be.- the 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

Love Puns

Knock Knock Jokes

4th of July Pick Up Lines

When Grandma Comes Over

Grandma calls and announces that she will be coming by for a visit in about half an hour. When she comes she is surprised to see her grandchild running to her as if possessed and hugging her with all his tiny might. "What is it, Eric??" She asks. "Now that you're here, grandma, we have everything!" "Whatever do you mean?" Inquired the surprised granny. "When you called, mom said: 'That's all we need right now.' So now that you're here, we have all we need!"

The Three Jacksons

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."

How Bad Words Work

My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he shouldn't say it. He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings. The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won’t stop saying “s*itto”

Mermaid Puns

Football Puns

God's Conversation With a Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Christian Pick Up Lines

The Illiterate Job Seeker

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window. He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him a coin. The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that." says the man. "Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter. "I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Imagine where you'd be if you could!" "Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."

Never Remarry

Lucy and Debra were having one of their chats during one of their regular Thursday outings to play some chess, talk and get some good coffee. At one point, Lucy sighed and said, “You know, Debra , if something every happened to my Paul, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Debra nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough for me too.”

How to Give Your Heritage Respect

A couple just had their first son. The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That's a lot of heritage to inherit. They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage. A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish. After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O'Lee.

The Workaholic

A married couple wakes up one morning, and while still lying in bed, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today?" "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband. "I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home." The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it disappeared. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag. "Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?" "You were dreaming about your work all night..." the wife answered. "Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" "Because every 2 minutes you were shouting your secretary's name!"

Peach Puns

What’s Your Name, Sailor?

A crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face in his unit and barked at him immediately. “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” “John,” the new seaman replied. “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’" He gave him a threatening glare honed by years of experience. "Do I make myself clear?” “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!” “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?” The seaman sighed. “Darling, my name is John Darling, Master Chief.” “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do...”

The Trucker and the Waitress

A trucker came into a truck stop coffee shop and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Food Quotes

Gnome Puns

A Cowboy at the Theater

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he had returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied: "The balcony".

My Joker Brother

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when - in his excitement - his car went out of control and crashed into an oak tree. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side with the warm grin he'd know since childhood. He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied: "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself: "Oh no, what has he done now?" And he said with trepidation: "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied: "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said: "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" "Denephew," the brother replied.

France Puns

Couch Puns

Math Puns

A Girl Named Love

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart. When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name. Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "Oh my God, what happened?!" she asked, running to him. He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

The Widow and the $30,000 Funeral

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

You May Be Old If...

You may be getting older if... When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!” When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along. When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today. When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot. And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!

Yoga Pick Up Lines

Corny Jokes

The Berkowitz Baby

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz, and he was at work when his wife called in panic - she was ready to give birth! He hurried to the hospital as quickly as he could, marveling that his son, Charles, is about to be born. One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labor. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital. He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door [BEAUTIFUL BABIES] Excitedly he rushed in, "I want to see my son!" The nurse asked for the name. "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looked at the list and said, "sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall." Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign [Beautiful Babies] Alright, "My son will have a pretty easy life looking handsome." He thought and walked in. "I want to see my son." "Name, please." "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and says, "sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall." So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign [Ugly Babies] "That's alright." He thought. "Looks don't matter." He walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall." Dejected... the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door - [Very Ugly Babies] "It doesn't matter what he looks like." He thinks to himself. "I'll love him no matter what." He walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall." He was getting really worried now... He walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it that says... [Charles Berkowitz]

No Way to Put Five In a Quattro

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four." "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Scotsmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

The Cheapest Porsche

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

The Valentine's Day Gift

It was a few days before Valentine's Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" Her husband smiled. "Oh, I have a feeling you'll know later tonight." he said with a wink. His wife squealed with joy. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it... only to find a book titled "The meaning of dreams."

An Embarrassing Problem...

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of it, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing this to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered. "On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good." "But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

A Smart Confession

A boy confesses to his priest. 'Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Nancy Connor?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Judy Cohen?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Kate Takenyo?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rose DeMarco, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' Joey produces a sly smile: 'A four month holiday and five good leads.'

Birthday Puns

Funny Family Quotes

A Very Cheeky Question

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. I'm so sorry.” Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said: “How soon do you need to know?"