Jokes > Search Results > japanese n4 jobs

japanese n4 jobs Jokes

japanese n4 jobs Jokes and more.

Related Tags: jobs japanese

Anti Jokes

Jack Paints the Inside of the Church

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Dream Job Trouble

While still lying in bed, the wife turned to her husband, and said, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today." "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband. "I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home to straighten yourself out." The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it was forgotten. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag. "Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?" "You were dreaming about your work all night," the wife answered. "Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" he asked. "Because every 2 minutes you were telling your secretary to go faster."

AC Unit Puns

Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”

Respective Developments

Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked and murmurs of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting was in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."

Fishing Puns

No Way, Warden!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. "Gosh, I'd really like to help you..." He told the warden, "but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"

The Illiterate Job Seeker

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window. He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him a coin. The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that." says the man. "Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter. "I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Imagine where you'd be if you could!" "Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."

A Mime At the Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before visitors arrive at the zoo, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not about to lose the attention of the adoring crowd, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "HELP! HELP ME!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion when he suddenly hears the lion whisper: "Shut up you idiot! You wanna get us both fired?"

The Genie, the Waterfall and Their Last Wish

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies. The American steps up first. "I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra and a gospel choir." "It will be done." says the genie. The Japanese goes next. "I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends." "It will be done." says the genie. The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear 'Just send me over the waterfall before the bloody song starts and the food gets here."

Elephant Puns

Ancient Greek Monster Puns

How Congress Truly Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Corn Puns

Nature Puns

A Blond Takes Up Painting

A blond wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies. The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it" A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked. "Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats." Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."

Funny Animal Quotes

Bat Puns

Car puns

Soup Puns

Fire Puns

The Police Interview

A blonde walks into the police department. "What can I do you for?" asks the police officer on duty. "I'd like to join the police!" She says. Amused and bored, the officer decides to "interview" her and ask a few questions: "What’s 2+2?" She replied, “4”. "What’s the square root of 100?" She answered, “10” "Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Puzzled, she responds, “hmmm, I don’t know...” The officer smiles and tells her to go home and think about it. The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job. She responds excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

Mummy Puns

A Trustworthy Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. Excited at her runaway success, she began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty..." Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." Bowled over by the apparent honor of the applicant she exclaimed: "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted: "He sued me for the money."

A Girl Studies Her Grandpa's Wrinkles

A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa, she is looking at his face in a puzzled look. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. She touches her own face and looks more puzzled. The grandpa looks at her and says: "Something on your mind, little one?" The girl thinks a moment and asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. "Well, did God make me?" asks the girl. "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

This Bible Salesman Is Awesome

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha." The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.65." "$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?" "Well, it went like this. First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles." "So let me get this straight." Said the astounded manager. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!" "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Friend, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."

The Jewish Samurai

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" The Jewish samurai, Hiroshi Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the emperor said, "What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead?" replied Cohen in contempt. "Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes skill."

The Special Job Conditions

A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says "Sorry to hear that... Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day." The man says: "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I'll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part." "You misunderstand." Says the interviewer. "This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

What's the Difference?

An old Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, looks around him and suddenly freezes when he sees a Chinese man. He gets up and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man cries, holding his nose. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" Growls the old man as he turns and sits back down. A few seconds later, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man cries, holding his nose. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic!" the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

Easter Puns

Birthday Puns

Why Are YOU Here?

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad. The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach. "I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all." "I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same." The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?" "My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."

Garden Puns

The Bear's Feet

A man loses his legs in a bear fight Despite this, he wins the fight, and uses the bears legs to replace his own. By the time he gets to a hospital, he has full control over his legs, The doctors tie the legs better, and let him keep them, About a month later, a ringmaster of a freak circus finds him, and offers him a job in the circus. He accepts, and a few months later, is ready for his first act. He walks in front of the audience, and loudly exclaims: 'I will now walk over these hot coals bear-foot!'

A Friendly Suggestion

A man bumps into an old high school friend he hadn't seen for a number of years. His old friend was notorious for bragging back in high school - about his possessions, achievements and relationships, so he wondered if much had changed in the time since he last saw him. It wasn't long before the man realized his old friend hadn't changed much at all - on and on he rambled, talking about his amazing job, his huge mansion and the new Porsche he'd just bought himself. At one point, the old friend pulls out a photograph of his wife and shows it to the man. "She's beautiful, isn't she?" the old friend asks. "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend," replies his exhausted friend. "Why? Is she a stunner too?" "No, she's an optometrist."

Lightning Puns

Dog Puns

Horse Puns

Clean Jokes

The Importance of a College Education

A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education. “Dad, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son. “Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a college degree or not!” “How so?” Asked the Son “You see, if you rob a man without a college degree you will be prosecuted as a criminal and sent to jail”. “What if I rob a man after I received a college degree?” Asked the son “In that case they will address you as Special Agent of the IRS.”

Bread Puns

Life in the Fertilized Egg Business

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

The Telephone Pole

Three technicians guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm gonna give you 1 day to impress me - set as many telephone poles as you can and report back tomorrow." They all three go to work setting poles and return the next day into the boss' office. The boss asks one by one how many they set. The first guy set 13, "Wow, 13 - that is impressive!" the boss tells him happily. The second guy set 9. "Well," said the boss, "not as good as the first guy but still it is impressive." He turns to the third guy. "How many did you set?" The boss asks. "Two." the man replies triumphantly, his blond hair waving in the wind. "TWO?? That's it?!?" The manager was shocked. "That's barely any! What were you doing all day?" "Well, I didn't want to have to be a snitch... but these other guys? They only put theirs halfway in the ground!"

When a Gyno Becomes a Mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said: "no, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

Plant Puns

Phone Puns

It's Not Easy Finding a Job...

At my first job I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind. Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Next, I tried working in a deli, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied for a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, but I just didn't fit in. After that, I became a fisherman, but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining. So after that I got a job at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it. My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. So, I tried retirement! And I Found I'm PERFECT For the Job!

Funny Work Quotes

The Time Keeper's Problem

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon. When it's almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle. One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off. Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker. The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time. The clock maker tells her that she needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am. The woman leaves the shop satisfied... but starts to ask herself... "How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?" So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time. The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. "I'm sure my watch is accurate." He reassures her. "I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break."

Who Is It?

A man from the city was reporting for a job at a residential home and knocked on the door. The owner wasn't home, but his pet parrot was. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes." There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes.", said the man, starting to feel annoyed. There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes...", said the man, starting to get a little angry. There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!", shouted the man, now quite furious. So furious in fact, that he suddenly had a heart attack and collapsed on the front stairs. The owners come home and are shocked to find a dead man on their steps. The wife says to the husband, "Well, who is it?" The parrot then replies, "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!"

Orange Puns

Little Johnny's Mother

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Little Johnny Counts to 10

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me." "Can you tell me what comes after three?" "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven," answers little Johnny. "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," answers little Johnny.

The Three Couples and Their Honeymoon

Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons. The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to make love to her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."

The Alcoholic Connoisseur

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's... that's correct.", said the boss, astonished. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.” "Correct!" A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was blow away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

Cosmetics Puns

Bus Puns

Trying to Get a Job in India...

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.' Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .' Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Manager, I am ready.' The manager said, 'Go ahead..' Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.' Mujibar now works at the call center.

Researching the Fiancé

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony. But, being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men. After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this: "Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

Congressional Efficiency

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Crow Puns

Panda Puns

I Wonder How Paul is So Fast

Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office. He was thrilled, because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck. It wasn’t long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. His supervisor was astounded as his speed. At the end of the first day, he approached Paul. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, Sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses!"

Crab Puns

Submarine Puns

Chuck Norris Jokes

I Know Exactly Where to Put You

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job. After filling out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss. The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job. Also, a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start. The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division - Snap, Crackle, and Pop should work out fine down there."

Sink Puns

The Brewing Argument

A man and his wife are having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband says, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "WHAT?!? I can't believe that! Show me." So she fetches the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

A Young Programmer Has an Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young programmer: "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?" The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" "Certainly... but you started it."

Ocean Puns

The DC Politician and the Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

The Priest, The Rabbi and the Bear

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped almost head to toe in a body cast. “Looking back,” he sighs, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

The Blond Detective

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind. "Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "Hey Chad! How was it?" "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Football Puns

Puns

Is This Really Necessary?

Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights. With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed on top of his wife. He lies down and instantly passes out. Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: "Don't go, this moron is so drunk he won't even feel me plucking a hair on his butt." The wife does exactly that and the husband doesn't move. Carl, now reassured, proceeds with the job. Half an hour later Ted moves a bit, and Carl is just about to freak out, the wife stops him and plucks another hair from his buttocks. Another hour later Carl is still going at it. After a while, just to be sure, he plucks another hair from Ted's butt. Ted then moves around a bit and mumbles: "Look man, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but do you really need to keep score on my bum?"

Pedro the Quote Master

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Now, who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

And What Does YOUR Father Do?

It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living. Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all. When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half." "Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?" "I don't know." Said Johnny. "A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher. "I don't know." repeated Johnny. "Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher. "Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."

The Young Priest's First Job

Josh was excited. As his first official duty as a parish priest, fresh out of school, he got to officiate his first funeral for a homeless man with no friends or family. The young priest vowed to give him the most loving send-off, the love he probably missed in this life. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery across town and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. New to the area, Father Josh arrived late, but noticed a few workers gathering around the grave opening. The young and enthusiastic priest poured out his heart and soul as he gave his sermon and recited the prayers. His voice was so evocative and powerful that he brought the cemetery workers to tears. When the service was over, the priest thanked the workers for listening and walked to his car. As he opened the door, Josh heard one worker say to the other, “I've never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for over 20 years!"

Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wanted a rematch next year so they could save face. The other company agreed. Right away, the Swedish team started to examine the reason they lost. The company created a special task force. After a lengthy examination for several months, the report was submitted that it appeared the Japanese team had one person at the helm and the rest were rowing. On the Swedish team, one person was rowing as the rest were at the helm. After this report, the company decided to hire a consultant to solve the issue. After experts went through the findings of the task force for a few months the judgment was clear: there were too few people rowing and too many people at the helm. Armed with this knowledge, the Swedish company took swift action and the result was that there would be 2 steersmen, 2 senior steersmen, a captain and a rower. In addition, the rower was enrolled in a bonus scheme system to motivate him for better results. So a year went by and it was time for the rematch. Surprisingly, the Japanese won again, this time by 3 kilometers! The Swedish company management knew exactly what to do. They fired the rower due to poor performance, got large bonuses for all managers for their initiative in trying to solve the issue and for next year, they decided they would try to design a better boat.

The Lonely Child

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and starts playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok?" she says kindly. "Yes." he says. "You can go and play with the other kids you know." she says encouragingly. "It’s best I stay here." he says. "Why’s that sweetie?" asks the compassionate teacher. The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the Goalie.”

Ice Puns

Pun Puns

Math Puns

Art Puns

One Liners for Kids

The Mental Patient's Answer

A man starts his new job as the administrator of an insane asylum. While he is given his orientation, he was asked if he had any questions. “Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?” He asks. “Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The director then calls up three patients for a demonstration. He asks the first one, “What is 6 times 6?” The patient is shaking and nervously says “1000?” The director shakes his head “no, give this one six more months,” He then turns to the next patient. This one jumps up and down and screams “February!” “Oh god no!” Says the director. “Another year for this one!” Finally, he turns to the third patient who looks at him calmly and says, “Well, the answer is obviously 36.” “Yes!” Exclaims the director. “How did you know that?!” “Easy, I just divided 1000 by February.”

Upholding Standards

It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive. The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women. During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college's conservative values. She asked the freshmen: "In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption. At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said: "How do you make it last for a whole hour??"

Toilet Puns

Not One to Be Outdone

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him in bewilderment. "It appears that you've got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there," pointed the amused American. "Well, of course." The Irishman was quick to respond. "I must be getting a fax."

The Preacher and the Jackass

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher asked the Lord to direct his response. He said: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Monster Puns

The Bear and His Freezer

A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory. On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a name tag and carrying a clipboard. "Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked. "I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'd help me do my new job better." "Oh....Oh!" The penguin says, "I get it. I think there must be a misunderstanding. You brought it to 'make' the ice but it's your job to 'BREAK' the ice." "Oh." Said the Polar Bear. Then after a small pause he says, "So, why did the polar bear carry a freezer into the ice factory?"

Nurse Beth

Three doctors with a growing private practice decided they needed to hire a new nurse onto their staff to meet their needs. They hired a very qualified applicant named Beth, and met after a week to discuss the new nurse's abilities in her new role. "She does a really good job with the patients, but I'm concerned Beth is mixing things up a bit. I told her that her shift was from 7 AM to 5 PM and she showed up at 5 AM the next day." Said the first doctor. The second doctor chimed in, "I have had some similar issues. I told Beth to tell the patient they needed to take one antibiotic every 6 hours and she told them they needed to take 6 every one hour." The third doctor looked shocked, "I have had no issues so far-" The three heard a blood-curdling scream from the next room over. "Oh," said the third doctor, "I see what you mean. I just asked Beth to prick the boil on the patient in the next room."

The Interview Question

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks: "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies: "Four." The interviewer asks: "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says: "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question. "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says: "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question. "What does two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, leans close to the interviewer and whispers: "What do you want it to equal?"

What's Written On This One!?

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. "By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"

Funny Winter Quotes

The Voice in His Head

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep. The next day he was in the shower when he heard the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He ignored it and went to work, but while in the elevator going up to his office, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Later that day, while he was in a meeting, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." On the car ride home, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." In bed trying to sleep, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." The next day was worse. He started hearing the voice every hour on the hour. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He didn't tell anyone, because he didn't want anyone to think he was crazy. He tried to ignore it, but the voice was persistent... "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." The next day, he was hearing the voice over and over and over again. It was louder than ever. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Finally, the guy snaps. "Darn it!" He goes up to his boss, tells him he quits, then walks out. He goes home and contacts a realtor, and sells the house the next day. He packs up the cash in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket, and flies to Vegas. After he walks out of the airport and says, "Alright, now what?" "Go to Caesar's Palace." The guy hails a taxi and immediately goes to Caesar's Palace. As soon as he walks into the front door, he hears the voice again. "Go to the roulette table." The guy goes to the nearest roulette table. "Put it all on red 21." The guy takes all of his money and puts it on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel, and the ball goes round and round, and finally lands... on black 35. "DAMMIT!" Said the voice.

What Can Else Can You Do?

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Avocado Puns

Shower Puns

An Italian Under Interrogation

Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII. One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I've had it." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. Three days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by two soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago. He's a real man, not like you girls." The other two are shocked and amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. He didn't strike them as so formidable. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "The bastards tied my hands behind my back!"

Jim Thinks He Can Get Any Job

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager. "You say you have experience selling books?" "Lots of it," replies Jim. "And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" "Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study." "Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm." While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"

Or What?

A man tells his therapist that his wife hasn't had s*x with him in six months. The therapist then has the wife come in, and asks her why she doesn't want to have s*x with her husband any more. The woman tells him, "For the past six months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'" By this time I'm late for work so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write you up for being late or what?' I need the job, so I take 'or what.'" At the end of the day I take the cab and I still don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so I take 'or what.'" "So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and my husband asks me: "Are we going to have s*x or what?" So again I choose the what..."

Zombie Puns