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girl says grace at dinner Jokes

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My Dog Ran Out of Petrol

A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block. Her mother says “No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat.” “What does that mean?”, asks the girl. “Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?” says the busy mother. So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks “I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you about it.”. The father takes a rag, pours some petrol on it, and then rubs Lulu’s backside with it to disguise the scent. “Now you can take her for a walk”, he says. “Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine”. So the little girl skips happily away with Lula trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returns with an empty leash, and no Lulu. Concerned, her dad asked “Where’s Lulu, sweetie?” “She ran out of gas halfway around the block," the girl replied, "so the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home.”

Clever Jokes

The Bodybuilder and the Blonde

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder. Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'. They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He rushes to put his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up with her. "Why did you run away?" He pants. She says, "With all that dynamite, I ran when I saw how short the fuse was!"

Funny Haiku

A Girl Studies Her Grandpa's Wrinkles

A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa, she is looking at his face in a puzzled look. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. She touches her own face and looks more puzzled. The grandpa looks at her and says: "Something on your mind, little one?" The girl thinks a moment and asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. "Well, did God make me?" asks the girl. "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Brain Puns

The Caterpillars and Their Escape

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped… "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole darn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

Ancient Rome Puns

Food Poems

The Sermon Notes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: "Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass.' David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the crap' out of him. We do NOT refer to the cross as the 'Big T'! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, 'Eat me.' The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry!" The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God." Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. And lastly, don't EVER refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys!""

A Little Girl Feels Sick at Church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl. "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother. After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked. "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"

Name Pick Up Lines

Looking for a Wife

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single. One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, why not find a girl who's just like your mother?" A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred sighed, "My father doesn't like her."

Forgot His Prayers

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!” Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook!”

The Australian Discovery

A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner. The American says "We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space." The other two ask, "What? Outer-space?". The American says, "Not exactly, but just a few inches below". After some time, the Russian says, "We are so advanced, we built a submarine that touches the seabed". The other two ask, "What? The actual seabed?". The Russian says, "Not exactly, just a few inches higher". Then, the Australian says, "Well, we have been advanced for centuries. For example, we can pee with our belly buttons!" The other two ask, "what? Belly button?". The Australian says, "Well, not exactly, just a few inches lower."

Thanksgiving Jokes

The $50 Lemonade Stand

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade “Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?” a little girl calls to him. The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”. “Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.” The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!” The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?” The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!” The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?” “Homemade brownies, 50 cents!” The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.” The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!” “You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.” “Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate. Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?” She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!” “This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!” The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”

The Teacher Finds the Right Words to Say

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response. He replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Car puns

The Awkward Question

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. "Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her: The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Can You Say Daddy?

Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."

Her Italian Vacation

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!” When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?” “Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?” “Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for - an Italian girl!” “Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”

No Thanks!

A little 12-year-old girl was walking home when a big man on a black motorcycle pulled up beside her. After following along for a while, the rider turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl," and winks, "do you want to go for a ride?" "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Come on now, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay, last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a big bag of candy if you just hop on the back of my bike." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and says, pointedly: "Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley...YOU RIDE IT!"

A Great Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a really good dentist, How did you figure THAT out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"

Bacon Puns

Nuts Puns

Getting Those Snails

One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute. The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home. As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes. "Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!" The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"

Mummy Puns

Bob, Bob, Bob and Bob

A reporter hears of a woman in his town that has the highest welfare payments, and he was curious as to why. So he went to her house to interview her. He got to a little house and after she opens, introduces himself and asks her, "How old are you?" He asked. "27." she said. "And how many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "Wow, ok that explains a lot." He said, taken a back. "And what are their names?" he asked. "Well there's Bob, then there's Bob, and Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and of course Bob." "They're ALL named Bob?" he asked, even more bewildered. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she explained, "I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside." "And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do." She answered. "But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

The Little Girl and the Wittle Wabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

The Naughty Clerk

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa, pay the man."

The Super Wife

Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. Sam said, 'Wow I have never seen you play this well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. Sam said to her: 'Wow I have never seen you hit so well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home. Rachel brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and Sam says, 'Delicious! I have never seen you cook like this before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. After dinner she gives him THAT look and they go upstairs. About 30 minutes later Sam rolls over and says 'Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.'

Puns

Halloween Puns

The Cartwheels

A teen came to her mom and said "mom! I've got 10 dollars" Her mom said "Where from?" "Tommy from down the road he dared me to do a cartwheel" she replied "Dear that boy is just trying to see your panties!" "oohh" the girl says The next day the girl comes to her mom and says "Mommy I've got 20 dollars!" "I told you not to trust that boy!" "No mom I tricked him, I didn't even wear panties today!"

Rich Fathers

A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if the worst should happen and there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You try again."

Christmas Puns

A Boy-Broom and a Girl-Broom

All of Broomtown was abuzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple. The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom. "But, how can that be?!?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!!"

Funny Limericks

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

Table Puns

The Swiss Army Knife

A man meets a beautiful, sexy girl. He really desires her, so he invites her to a movie, and she tells him: "Listen, if you're looking to sleep with me, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife." The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, so he buys her a good genuine Victorinox. They come to her home, she opens a big chest standing in a closet, and puts his knife there. The guy sees that the chest is half-filled with such knives already. Then she takes him to her bedroom for a wonderful night together. The next morning, they're sitting at her kitchen, drinking tea, and he asks her: "Can I ask you a question? What would you need so many knives for?" "You see," she explains. "I'm young now. I'm beautiful. I have no trouble finding guys; in fact, they're the ones chasing me. But I know it doesn't last forever. One day, I'll be older, gray-haired, I'll be the one looking everywhere for a piece of love, and then... do you have any idea what a young man would be willing to do for a good Swiss Army knife?"

Anti Pick Up Lines

Thanksgiving Puns

A Frog's Destiny

A male frog goes to a psychic and asks him when he will meet his one true love. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

Crocodile Puns

The Untrained Maid

Around the beginning of the 20th century, a society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit. The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away. The agency man asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained. Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there. Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom. The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?" Molly swallows nervously and says: "Surely we do madam, but we don't skin 'em!"

Easter Puns

Jogging Pick Up Lines

Skeleton Puns

Son, I have a confession

One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this." Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and told her about his father's secret. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." "Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."

Fall Puns

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

They Unionized...

An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Shopping for a Psychic

In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc. One day, she went to shop for clothes. After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things. "Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses. When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow. "There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!" "I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you." "Nope. No way." said the psychic. "How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl. "Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."

War of the Genders

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between girls and boys, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She sticks her tongue at the boy and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A Frog Outta Luck

There's a frog who has a unique kink: He falls in love with human girls. Of course, no human girl will touch him. Desperate, he goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

One Liners for Kids

Geology Puns

Reminded of Her Youth

A bored minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "S*x!" The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

Zombie Puns

My Son Is Better Than Yours

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God".

Is It Because I'm Blond?

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No dear, it's because you're 24."

Grocery Store Pick Up Lines

Christian Pick Up Lines

The Three Arranged Marriages

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” “The one with the big boobs”.

Sheep Puns

This is Risky Business

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

The Mistresses Dilemma

It was the 1930s and a rich banker and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the heck was THAT?" "Oh," replies the husband sheepishly, "she's just my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more expensive cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. His wife huffed. "Ours is prettier."

How to Tell Boys and Girls Apart

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls!" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" she asked. My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well…" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

The Ashes

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He turns green in disgust and horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Asking Dad a Question

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting — don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

Valentines Day Puns

Two Different Perspectives...

WOMAN’S DIARY 28 July, Saturday 'Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him. I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep. I think he’s planning to leave me. Maybe he’s found someone else...' - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – MAN’S DIARY Saturday 28 July 'My team lost today. What a bummer. At least I got some s*x!'

Phone Puns

A Special Hearing Problem

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her." "Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls. No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting. "HONEY, what's for dinner?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "HONEY, what's for DINNER??". No response. So he walks right up behind her and screams: "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!" His wife turns to him a rage and screams. "CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"

Blonde Is What Blonde Does

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

Frankenstein Puns

Tableware Puns

The Sunday School Teacher

I went out on a blind date with a woman I met online. So I went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, just gorgeous. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?" I said okay, not everyone's idea of a good time. I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?" Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "Wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: "I thought you'd never ask!" I say: "Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?" She says: "The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!"

Little Johnny Describes His Future

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her 3 times a day." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of this child, decides not to linger on what he said and so continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? What do you want to be?" she asks. "I wanna be Johnny's wife!" Says Susie.

A Girl Named Love

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart. When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name. Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "Oh my God, what happened?!" she asked, running to him. He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

Mother Puns

Soup Puns

Knock Knock Jokes

The Personal Ad

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls: "Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8 month old Labrador retriever.

Bat Puns

The Most Important Thing in Life

It was the retirement dinner for Tim Simmons. He’d lived a long life. When he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten diseases. With the little money he earned from his hard work he immediately donated it back into relief funds for all the places he’d visited. His coworkers all loved him, ask anyone and they all say he was the most positive and bright man they’d ever met. This is why it came as no surprise that during his retirement dinner, an angel descended from heaven to speak with him. “You have lived a giving life, one that many could look up too and many relied on to survive. Because of this, we would like to give you a gift- a long and healthy life, all the wealth you could imagine, or unparalleled wisdom.” Tim debates between longevity and wisdom for half a breath but very quickly decides he wants unparalleled wisdom. The angel reaches down, touches his forehead, and leaves without another word. The guests at the dinner, still in a partial state of shock, stare in silence at the slack jawed man. Eventually, his coworker and closest friend speaks up, “Well? How is it?” The room was silent for a few seconds while Tim mulled over the question. “I should’ve chosen the bloody money.” He said.

Rainbow Puns

The Tiny Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer and discovered to his horror that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." "You're probably right," The girl replied thoughtfully, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Jokes For Women

The Big Bastard

A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Bastard fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Bastard!" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a bastard", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the bastard!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the bastard!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the bastard!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what? You schmucks are alright."

Toilet Paper Puns

Goblin Puns

Pinocchio Has Girl Problems

There is a folktale about Pinocchio, one that claims he never became a real boy, but instead grew up and became a wooden man. One night, Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. I love you Pinocchio, but every time we make love... I get splinters.” So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto to ask his advice. Geppetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need. Just be careful with it, don't injure yourself!" A few days later Geppetto runs into Pinocchio and says, "So, my dear boy, how are you doing with the girls now?" "Who needs girls?" says Pinocchio.

Great Catch - I'll Buy You Dinner

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible. "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

The Parrot and the New House

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"

Little Miss Intrusive Asks Mom Too Many Questions

A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.." "Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?" "Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!" The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play. "My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32." The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother was past surprised. She was shocked. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!" "Really?" the mother asked. "Why?" "Because you got an F in s*x."

Girls on Cruise

Jenny was sitting reading her favorite magazine when suddenly an ad pops for an all-expenses-paid cruise for the low price of $500. She excitedly goes to Jack, her husband, and shows him the ad. "Look Jack," she says, "it's in two days and only $500!" "I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?" His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway. The next day, Jack is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly. "Look Jack," she says, "there's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $500!" "I'm really not into cruises, to be honest." Replies Jack. "Here's $500, why don't you go and have a good time?" She agrees to do just so, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise. A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells him how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took. While looking them over, Jack notices that his lover Brenda is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?" "Oh, her." sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there." The next day, Jack goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress Brenda. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks Brenda: "Who is she?" "Oh, her!" says Brenda, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"

Rock Puns

Hiking Pick Up Lines

Little Johnny Gets a Warning

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

My Experience with Women

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.

Break Up Lines

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!" The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, not every day they get to raise a question before the President of Russia. "Yes, cute girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with braids, who began to speak, saying, "Hello, Mr. President. My name is Sasha and I wanted to know: Do you think one day Russia will return to itself as the Soviet Union, In the past? " "Of course," Putin replied. "It is only a matter of time before all the countries of Eastern Europe, and even the countries of the world, understand that it is in their favor." "Yes cute boy, next question please," Putin said, pointing to a boy with freckles, who said, "Hello Mr. President. My name is Arkady and I wanted to know: what is the secret of your success? Because you are the most powerful and important man in all of Russia." "The truth is," Putin said, "I am the most powerful and important man in the whole world, and the secret of my success is that I just know what is good for everyone, so everyone trusts me to run the country for the best." "Do you have any more questions?" Putin wondered, then pointed to a blond boy raising his hand. The boy spoke and said: "Hello Mr. President. My name is Boris and I wanted to know why Russia is sending troops to Ukraine and why we have annexed the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine to us?". A moment after Boris finished asking his question the break bell suddenly rang, and everyone went out for lunch. When the break was over, Putin and all the children returned to the lecture hall. "Yes sweet girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with short hair who stood up. "Hello Mr. President. My name is Katya and I wanted to know where Boris is?"

Love Puns