Says

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
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