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asmr sleep Jokes

asmr sleep Jokes and more.

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Beaver Puns

Doggie Nap Time

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'

The Ghostly Advice

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know. When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life. That bastard had a twin.

The Doctor Expert

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have intercourse for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" "Because I didn't feel a thing."

What It Used to Be Like

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. " Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

No Secrets in Marriage

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've...I've been a hooker." "That's alright." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Travel Puns

Pizza Puns

The Hell Call

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says, "Fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames." The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife sleeping with his brother. The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. "That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit." says the devil. "So be it." says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm. "Now I want to call home," says the Russian, and grabs the receiver. He hears his neighbors robbing his house and hangs up in disgust. "How many years is that?" he asks the devil. "None." Says the devil. "How dare you? shouts the Russian, "You took a thousand agonizing years off that Frenchie and the Italiano, what’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?" "No, no," says the devil, "it's just that local calls are free."

The Game Show Contestant

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are is the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

Knight Puns

Rainbow Puns

Astronaut Puns

Funny Nature Quotes

Cheese Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

The Genie and the Three Wishes

A man finds a magic lamp. Of course, as the deal goes, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie that thunders he has 3 wishes to make.. "For my first wish, I want to be some kind of royalty." the man says. The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged." "For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful castle." "It will be done", the Genie agrees. "And I want to be married to a beautiful princess." "I understand", says the Genie, "However, your wishes require a lot of work. But it should be done tomorrow." So the man goes to sleep and when he wakes up, he is laying in a beautiful bed. He looks around and everything is just as he wished. He is a noble, living inside a beautiful castle and next to him a beautiful princess smiles at him. "Oh, you're finally awake, Franz-Ferdinand. We should get up, today we're traveling to Sarajevo."

The Boy and His 7 Wives

This is a the story of a 5 years old son, who, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV, said to his mother: "Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me, one can bath me...." Mum smiled and said: "Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep." After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!" Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: "My sweet son!" "Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?" "Let them sleep with daddy!" Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness. "My sweet son!"

Anti Pick Up Lines

How to Turn a Nice Profit

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." "No," she says. "I just want to sleep." He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" She hands him 5 dollars.

A Priest and Nun On the Road

A priest and a nun are on a trip to a faraway monastery when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere as a blizzard rages above them. They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night, the nun calls out, "father, father, I'm cold!" so the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "is that better, sister?" he asks. "yes father, much better," she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with "father, I'm still cold!" so once again, the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better, sister?" he asks. "Oh yes, father, that's much better," she says. So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag, and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of "Father, father, I'm just so cold!" The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the Lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a minute. She can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative "OK, father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married." "Wonderful." The father replies, "Now get up and get your own darn blanket, you great lazy lump!"

Travel Quotes

An Unlikely Destination

2 policemen went on patrol and at 4 o'clock at night when they suddenly saw an older man walking alone in the street wobbling and barely walking a straight line. They stopped him for questioning, make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home. "Where does sir come from please?" They asked him. "I come from the best place in the world!" He answered in a very slushed voice. "This is my favorite bar that has the best drinks and the nicest girls! Each one is friendlier than the next!" The man continued and winked at the cops. "It sounds like a great place." Said one of the officers. "And where are you going at a time like this? Shouldn't you be in bed?" "What? sleep!? No way, I'm on my way to a lecture on alcohol addiction and its effects on the body, the harms of smoking and proper social behavior." "Reaaaally?" an officer said dubiously, exchanging knowing looks with his partner. "Are you sure you didn't drink too much tonight? I seriously doubt anyone is giving lectures on these topics at a time like this." The man sighed and said, "Tell that to my wife...

The Lonesome Stranger

Ned decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Carl, so they loaded up Ned's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." Ned said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. About 2 years later, Ned got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Carl and asked, "Carl, that night at the barn, in that farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 2 years ago, do you remember it?" "Sure I do." said Carl. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay the widow a visit at the house?" "Well, um, yes..." Carl said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her a false name?" Carl's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm really sorry, buddy. I panicked a bit and gave her your name, actually. Why do you ask?" "Because I'm rich. She just died and left me everything."

A Call From the Other Side

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit. True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head. "Benny...Benny..." "My gosh... Is that you, Dan?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". "Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!" "What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

The Priest, Minister and Rabbi Advice

A man wonders if having relations on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if doing so is work or play, so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive that sleeping together is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about having relations?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. relations is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, it is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me it's work?" "Because, my son," said the Rabbi drily, "if having relations was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Puns

Bat Puns

Tree Puns

The Rabbi's Wife

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?" Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed. After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?" Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago."

Sometimes Things Aren't As They Seem

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered."Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice. "There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep." The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

Zombie Puns

A Bizarre Afterlife

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber... He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! St Peter said,"I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being. An animal. Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before!" "Never."said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..."RALPH wake up! You crapped the bed!"

The Best Sleeping Pills

An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

Why We Age the Way We Do

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we pull monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Chuck Norris Jokes

The Truck Stop

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25!" another jogger yells at him.

The Cat Poem

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, and sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, and someone nice to scratch my back, for windowsills all warm and bright, for shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay cool, and keep the secret feline rule, to never tell a human that the world is really ruled by cats!

Tiger Puns

Polish Short Jokes

A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night. "What happened?" The husband asks worriedly. "Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary." * * * A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan." The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background." Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?" * * * A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!" The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor. The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!" * * * Two Polish husbands are talking. One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife." The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?" "Not since he brought her back." * * * A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died." The friend: "Of old age?" "No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise." * * * A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?" The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married." * * * "Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife. "Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."

Funny Marriage Quotes

Must Be Fate

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."

Brain Puns

What Do I Look Like to You?

A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?" "What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep. A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown. A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?" "What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!" He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of." He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife. "Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him." "Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?" "What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"

Keyboard Puns

25 Years For Being Lazy

In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long. "Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?" Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?" Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?" Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?" Liu: "25 years for being lazy." All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?" Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep. My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."

Who Has the Worst Marriage?

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage. One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!" The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?” The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh. The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!" The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?” The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy." The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.” The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?” The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool...”

Toxic Pick Up Lines

The Right Equipment

A newlywed fisherman's wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops beside her. "Good morning, ma'am, what are you doing?" "I'm reading a book." Answered the surprised woman. "Couldn't he see that?" She thought... "I'm afraid this is a no fishing area." The officer notified her. "I'm sorry officer but I'm not fishing, I'm clearly reading." "Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I'm going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint." "OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!" "But.." splattered the surprised officer, "I never touched you!" "Yes that's true," replied the woman, "but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment..."

Time For Him to Know the Truth

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They sleep with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

What's Your Secret, Old Man?

Roger, 88, married Jenny, a beautiful 45-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 88-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door - it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger." Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already??"

The Rabbi, Holy Man and the Lawyer

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood... The pig and the cow.

Fish Puns

Alien Puns

Picking Up the Wife's Test Results

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Sherlock Holmes Goes Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided to go on a camping trip. After dinner, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his best friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." Also, looking at the stars, I think that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell YOU, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot... Someone stole our tent!"

Cat Puns

Not My Problem...

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Eye Puns

Taco Puns

Ice Puns

Shower Puns

Employment Conditions at The Ranch

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. "He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. "He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent. "That would be me." replied the rancher.

The Years We Have

When God created the dog, he said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years." The dog replied: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good. When God created the monkey, he said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again, saw that it was good. When God created the cow he said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long, work under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was very good. When God created man, he said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty plus the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty years, okay?" God agreed. And that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we look like a wizened monkey and do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

Fishing Puns

The Balloon Family

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon. Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself. The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."

Rock Puns

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?" Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management."

The Three Couples and Their Honeymoon

Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons. The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to make love to her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."

The Strangers and the Sleeping Blankets

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." "OK!" AWESOME!" the man says happily. "GOOD... now get your own darn blanket!" came the reply.

Monkey Puns

Classic Pick Up Lines

A Cat Chills Out With God In Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

The Swiss Army Knife

A man meets a beautiful, sexy girl. He really desires her, so he invites her to a movie, and she tells him: "Listen, if you're looking to sleep with me, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife." The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, so he buys her a good genuine Victorinox. They come to her home, she opens a big chest standing in a closet, and puts his knife there. The guy sees that the chest is half-filled with such knives already. Then she takes him to her bedroom for a wonderful night together. The next morning, they're sitting at her kitchen, drinking tea, and he asks her: "Can I ask you a question? What would you need so many knives for?" "You see," she explains. "I'm young now. I'm beautiful. I have no trouble finding guys; in fact, they're the ones chasing me. But I know it doesn't last forever. One day, I'll be older, gray-haired, I'll be the one looking everywhere for a piece of love, and then... do you have any idea what a young man would be willing to do for a good Swiss Army knife?"

A Mime At the Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before visitors arrive at the zoo, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not about to lose the attention of the adoring crowd, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "HELP! HELP ME!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion when he suddenly hears the lion whisper: "Shut up you idiot! You wanna get us both fired?"

All About Revenge

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the HELL out of my cab!" So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There is a line of cabs and at the very end, he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the hell out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to the airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the hell out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. The driver doesn't recognize him and he asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" The driver responds, "$15". The guy hands him $15 and says "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles at them enthusiastically while giving them the thumbs up!

What Time is It?

A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house. After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap. A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep. After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep. Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep. The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"

The Pharmacy List

Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "I am." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-" Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "yea, but why-" Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?" "We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."

Werewolf Puns

Quotes

Toilet Paper Puns

Drunken Lies

A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock. "1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife's going to kill me," he says to the bartender. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won't work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly. "So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers." His wife starts nodding understandably: "Ah ha, makes sense." She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him: "Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, idiot."

Witch Puns

The Outback Army Recruit

An Army Recruit from the Australian outback sends a letter home: 'Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope you are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit, and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila.'

A Pig With Nightmares

A pig goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, I’ve been having these terrible nightmares and I can’t sleep. Can you prescribe me some sleeping pills?" Doctor: "Can you describe your nightmares to me?" Pig: "They are all almost the same. First a man lures me with food, kills me and cuts me into pieces. Then he rubs salt all over my flesh!” Doctor: "I wouldn't worry about it, looks like you’re going to be cured soon."

Two Different Perspectives...

WOMAN’S DIARY 28 July, Saturday 'Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him. I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep. I think he’s planning to leave me. Maybe he’s found someone else...' - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – MAN’S DIARY Saturday 28 July 'My team lost today. What a bummer. At least I got some s*x!'

The Loud Boots

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service. Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbors decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning. "Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex." "Thank you." "Sir, we realize that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement..." "Okay?" "But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It's waking us and our kids up." "Oh! I didn't know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won't happen again." "Thank you so much, sir." The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor. He removes his right boot and - "Wait a minute... this is what they were talking about, isn't it?" he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed. An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbors standing outside in their nightclothes... "SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?"

Poop Puns

The Invention of Yodeling

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! slept with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

Ghoul Puns

The Golf Swing and the Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and it was a very powerful shot, taking it right through the window of the biggest house on the course with a crash. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." "Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" "No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. "Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie, now that you're finally free?" asked the husband. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterward, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said: "How old is your husband anyway?" "38," she replied. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

His Excellent Memory

Three old men are discussing their failing memories. The first old man says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down." The second old man says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up." The third man scoffs and says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood." With this he hits the table twice with his knuckle, looks up in surprise and yells "Who's there?"

Sheep Puns

How Life Changes Over 25 Years

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

Socrates' Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day, an acquaintance ran up to the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be something I can use to benefit the world?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man stared at him, and without a word turned around and left, dejected. This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was sleeping with his wife.

What a Great Idea

The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?” The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.” The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind. A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?” The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”

Mummy Puns

Vegetable Puns

The Phone Call

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." "What? What are they doing??" "To be honest, they are sleeping together." says the maid. The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with. We'll make it look like a break-in gone bad." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "I don't know. Throw them in the swimming pool for all I care!" "There's no pool here." There's a long, long pause on the other side of the phone. "ah... I think I got the wrong number."

One Liners for Kids

Bed Puns

How to Improve Your Life

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the fisherman. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life." The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"

Good Morning Quotes

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.” A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.” A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing okay.” The other guy says, “things are great, the bartender helped me.” Psychiatrist, “the bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?” The other guy says, “he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”

Funny Work Quotes

Funny Tongue Twisters