A married couple wakes up one morning, and while still lying in bed, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today?"
"What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it disappeared. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night..." the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?"
"Because every 2 minutes you were shouting your secretary's name!"
A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
“‘Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?’”
“I can't complain about that."
"’Is it the relations?’”
“I can't complain about that either."
“‘Well, is it the way I treat you?’”
“Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight the counselor breaks character and says,” I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
“No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing either.”
“Well, why is that?”
“To you, I can complain!”
On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said:
“We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”
Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car.
Next week, same scenario - radio says:
“10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.”
Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ.
Week three:
They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…”
And POOF - the power goes out!
The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!”
With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
A quarrel broke out between a man and a woman while traveling for dinner at a restaurant. They quarreled almost all the way and just before they arrived, the wife said to the husband: "You are very lucky to have me, no other normal woman will want you!".
The frustrated husband decided to prove to his wife that she was wrong and find women who would be interested in him already during dinner. The hostess who led them to the table smiled at the husband endlessly, laughed at his jokes and even offered to take his coat, so of course as soon as she left he turned to his wife with a triumphant look on her face.
"Don't get too excited, it's just her job and she's married too."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw a ring on her finger."
A short time later the husband had to go to the bathroom, and on his way back he collided with the chair of a woman sitting alone at a nearby table. He apologized, ordered her a drink at his expense, talked to her for a few moments and sat down with his wife again. "Just so you know, she invited me to sit down for a drink with her!"
"Don't get too excited, she's probably half blind."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw her enter the restaurant with a walking stick."
After a few minutes a waitress went to the table and as she took the order from the couple it was obvious that she was staring at her husband and flirting with him.
"Here! You see?!" He said to his wife after the waitress left, "There are normal women who want me!"
"Don't be an idiot, she has corona."
"How do you know?"
"Because if she's interested in you then she has no sense of taste!"
While still lying in bed, the wife turned to her husband, and said, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today." "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home to straighten yourself out."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it was forgotten. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night," the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" he asked.
"Because every 2 minutes you were telling your secretary to go faster."
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
"Honey, I'm almost out of time and there's something I'd like you to do for me when I'm gone."
She nodded her head and said, "You can count on me. Anything you ask, I'll make sure it's done."
"I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob," he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied, "Jacob? But I thought you couldn't stand him!"
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered, "That's precisely why..."
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins robbing the house.
The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs.
Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!"
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible." says the criminal. "Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in with you."
Yet the man again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
"Look, I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." says the burglar, feeling a little ashamed of himself.
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" the man is now crying.
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, does find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he says "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately."
"Not really," The man replies in a state of frenzy, "it's just that she will be home in 15 minutes."
I've lived a few years in my home, and the pretty neighbour next door and I always flirted with each other, despite her being married.
One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg..."
At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.
"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."
The husband accepted the offer gladly.
I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me. But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.
The neighbor, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, with my brush on the wall, painting.
Screaming, he shouts at me:
"What the heck is this? You started painting in my bedroom, and NAKED?"
"Hey buddy, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!"
"But naked?"
"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?"
"And with a boner, you bastard?"
"And just where am I going to hang the darn bucket!?!"
Two women are talking about their love life over coffee.
"I don't know what to do.." groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!"
"Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband."
"Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!"
"Well," smirks Sharon, "I just sit next to him and then I slowly put my hand down his pants and say: "My, aren't you cold in there, could use some heating up... works every time!"
"You know what, maybe I'll try that." laughs Margie.
They meet up again a few days later and Margie is in a terrible mood.
"You almost got me divorced!" she says to Sharon.
"WHAT? HOW??" Sharon is astounded.
"Well, I did what you said, and I stuck my hand down his pants, but it wasn't cold it was already hot!"
"So?" asks Sharon, confused.
"Well then I asked my husband why the inside of his pants is hot and not cold like Sharon's husband."
His wife having passed away an Englishman went to the local monumental mason in order to acquire a suitable headstone in time for the funeral.
The mason asked for suggestions regarding a suitable inscription.
The customer considered the problem and decided that, as his late wife had been quite religious, name, dates etc. and “She was thine” would be suitable.
He agreed to return in two days and paid extra for the master’s rapid service. When he came back he was shown the stone by the apprentice mason and examined it.
He demanded to see the master and complained that the stone had obviously been prepared by the apprentice.
“How can you tell” he was asked. “
Look at it man, it says” “She was THIN”
“THIN!” “He’s only gone and forgotten the e”!
The mason apologized profusely and said it can be fixed by that very afternoon if the customer would return then.
Well, when he returned to look at the work he went into an absolute rage and shouted at the master that he must have given this important task to the apprentice again.
“How can you tell” asked the master.
“Well”, raved the customer, “now it says” “Eeee, she was thin”.
Kevin gets a New Secretary.
A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions.
Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice."
Emma: "What color are her eyes?"
Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check."
Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?"
Kevin: “Not a clue in the world."
Emma: "Does she have a local accent?”
Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”
Emma: "How does she dress?"
Kevin: "Very quickly.”
Kevin's funeral will be held on Tuesday.
A man tells his therapist that his wife hasn't had s*x with him in six months. The therapist then has the wife come in, and asks her why she doesn't want to have s*x with her husband any more.
The woman tells him, "For the past six months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'"
By this time I'm late for work so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write you up for being late or what?' I need the job, so I take 'or what.'"
At the end of the day I take the cab and I still don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so I take 'or what.'"
"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and my husband asks me: "Are we going to have s*x or what?" So again I choose the what..."
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’
He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
Lengthwise?
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’
The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain! 
Jenny was sitting reading her favorite magazine when suddenly an ad pops for an all-expenses-paid cruise for the low price of $500.
She excitedly goes to Jack, her husband, and shows him the ad. "Look Jack," she says, "it's in two days and only $500!"
"I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?"
His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway.
The next day, Jack is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly.
"Look Jack," she says, "there's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $500!"
"I'm really not into cruises, to be honest." Replies Jack. "Here's $500, why don't you go and have a good time?"
She agrees to do just so, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise.
A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells him how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took. While looking them over, Jack notices that his lover Brenda is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?"
"Oh, her." sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there."
The next day, Jack goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress Brenda. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks Brenda: "Who is she?"
"Oh, her!" says Brenda, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"
A woman's closet door was making terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside, so she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus is crossing the street and a loud creaking sound is heard coming from the closet. He can't believe it, so strange.
"Hmmm..." says the carpenter to the wife. "How unusual. Perhaps if I sit inside before the next bus comes I can see what's making such a noise inside." The wife thinks it's a good idea, if sorry for his time. The carpenter goes inside the closet and gets comfortable, looking at the wood.
A few minutes later the husband arrives home. While the wife is in the bathroom, he goes into the bedroom and opens the closet. To his shock, there's a man sitting inside!
He throws a look to the bathroom, and then slowly turns his face to the carpenter with murder in his eyes.
"What the heck are you doing in MY HOUSE, in MY CLOSET?" he growls ominously.
"Ah, well..." the carpenter swallows nervously. "Would you believe me if I told you I'm waiting for the bus?"
Go to BabaMail
