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money wrap Jokes

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Bear Puns

Vegetable Puns

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

Geology Puns

Bat Puns

Can You Please Shoot Me Some More?

Dave the ranch hand had just finished up his work for the evening and is about to get into his car when a man dressed in black appears from the bushes with a gun in his hand. "Give me everything you've got!" he screeches at Dave. So Dave hands over his money and his wallet, but as the man is about to leave Dave stops him. "Say..." he says to the robber. "Could you shoot a few bullets in my hat to make it look to my wife like I was truly afraid for my life? She'd think I spent it on booze and gambling otherwise." The robber had a wife too so he agreed and shot a few holes in Dave's hat. Dave then asked, "Please shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not like a coward." The criminal sighed and shot the coat. Then Dave said: "Can you please shoot-" "please, no more, I'm out of bullets!" said the mugger tiredly. "That's what I wanted to hear." Smiled Dave unpleasantly. "Now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue!"

Funny Money Quotes

A Blond Takes Up Painting

A blond wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies. The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it" A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked. "Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats." Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."

Giving God Advice

One day an old man wrote a letter to God and tied the letter to a tree outside a church. The priest came and took down the letter. It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully". Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised $5,000. He put it in an envelope and wrote on it "From God" and left it next to the tree when he saw the old man come visit again. The next day, the old man came back and tied another letter to the tree. The priest then came and took down the letter and read it excitedly. "Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. Next time, please send it to me directly as the priest can't be trusted, can you believe he took $95,000 of the money!"

Fishing Puns

A Snail On a Mission

A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said: “Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?” The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little paw on the table and muttered: “Why me? Why can’t the wolf do it?” But the snail bravely interrupted the conversation, before it got out of hand: “Guys, guys! There’s no reason to fight. I’ll go.” The bear smiled a little and handed the snail a few, rolled-up dollars from his pockets: “Thanks, man. I appreciate it. While you’re at it, buy something to drink, will ya?” The snail winked, grabbed the money and briskly started to make his way out the door. Half an hour went by... An hour... An hour and a half... Almost two hours... At last, the bear snapped, dropped his cards to the floor and yelled: “Hey, you know what? I think the little bastard took the money and just left!” A small yet fierce scream then came from near the door: “If you’re gonna start insulting me, I’m not leaving at all!”

Music Puns

Clothes Pick Up Lines

A Man's Biggest Wishes

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he wants. “First,” says the man, “I want a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers and a briefcase full of money materializes out of thin air. The man is wide eyed in amazement and continues, “Next, I want a Ferrari.” The genie snaps his fingers and a Ferrari appears from a puff of smoke. The man continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” The genie snaps his fingers and the man promptly turns into a box of chocolates.

The Priest, The Rabbi and the Bear

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped almost head to toe in a body cast. “Looking back,” he sighs, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

The $50 Lemonade Stand

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade “Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?” a little girl calls to him. The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”. “Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.” The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!” The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?” The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!” The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?” “Homemade brownies, 50 cents!” The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.” The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!” “You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.” “Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate. Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?” She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!” “This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!” The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”

Music Jokes

Hue and the Friars

The church in my town fell on hard times recently. There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff. "Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up." "We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset. He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goes to the governor, but he gets told the Church isn't doing anything wrong. The week rolls by, and the friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, maddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the friars. Hue scares all the friars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true: Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.

The Old Lady and the Money Bags

A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake. He calls the woman to halt and approaches her. "Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out. The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks: "Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?" "Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation. "So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'" Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks: "Is the second bag filled with money too?" "Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."

Phone Puns

Puns

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Little Johnny is Asked About Jesus

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

How Much Do You Charge?

A man finds himself in need of a good lawyer. He finds one online and goes to his office. After being allowed inside, he sits across from the lawyer. He needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks. “Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.” The man was alarmed. “Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?” He inquired. “Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

How to Give a Cat Its Pill

How to give a cat a pill: 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Take the cat to the vet to get its pills from now on.

The $5000 Desk

Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is. “That desk is going for $5000,” says the shopkeeper. “$5000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Stan. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Darn, where did she get all THAT from?” wonders Stanley. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.

The Stingy Lawyer & the Pillowcases

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can't take it with you", wrong. After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Time For Him to Know the Truth

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They sleep with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

The Secret of the Shoebox

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'

The Bungee Jump in Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know David, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." David thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps... He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the David notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, David isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, David misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, David finally catches him this time and says, "Arquette! What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy lifts his head weakly and says, "No, the cord was fine. But David, tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

Tax Quotes

The Cat Catastrophe Instructions

HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT: Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: Wrap it in cheese.

Halloween Puns

The Special Prices

On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "One single penny?!" exclaimed the man. The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny." As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender. "But all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Fish Puns

Advice from the Pope

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him. Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"

A Volunteer to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and they could never return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “You convince them I'm the best candidate. I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

An Unfair but Fair Trick

Michael, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Michael says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Michael placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Michael, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Michael replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Michael took the money.

The Secret of His Success..

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Caribbean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him. Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself." "I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I REALLY make my money."

Mr. Moneybags

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

The Special Animal Program

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he begins thinking about his dire situation. He hatches a plan. He calls home. "Dad," he says to his father, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000," the son says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" Read!?" says his father, taken aback. "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he ponders his problem, again and again, he comes up with a plan. He finds the dog a new home and gives him away to a loving family. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, as he usually does. Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'" The father went white, then red, then exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks that trash to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Food puns

Dear God...

This is a story of a man who worked at the post office. His job was to process all mail items that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed, in shaky handwriting, to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check." "Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with." "I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?" "Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. " "By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

Three Drunks and the World's Fastest Taxi

Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking. Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them. He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination". “Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money. The second guy thanked him enthusiastically. The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force. "What was that for?" Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught. "Next time don't go so fast! You nearly killed us!"

The Old Lady and the Bank CEO

An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money. She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office. She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!” Bank president: "How can I help you madam?" She (Old Lady): "I would like to open a new account and deposit this money." He: "How much money do you like to deposit?" She: "$180,000 Please." (Started dumping the whole amount on his table) The bank president was a bit surprised. "How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!" She: "Oh, it's nothing illegal. I make bets." He: "What kind of bets?" She: "For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I'm right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I'll pay you $10,000!" The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he's a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately. She: "Okay then, I'll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don't try to dodge the bet! No regrets!" Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement. It was so bizarre, he didn't even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn't sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal. The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness. She: "Can I check your hands now Sir?" He: "Yes. Go ahead." She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm. Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall. The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer's strange behavior. Lawyer: "She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can't believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!"

Medical Pick Up Lines

The Congregation and the Big Donation

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly, she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Let Me Take a Picture!

The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed. "Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband. "I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds. "But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband. The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel. "Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera. "What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband. The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it ENLARGED."

The Senility

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000! The husband said: "We've got to give it back". "Finders keepers!" his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home. One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" "No." She said. The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..." At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"

The Trucker and His Emu

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'Then what's with the emu?!?' The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big rump and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Beer For Everyone!

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "Nah," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”

The Nature of Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The father says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the money. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while the money is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in the c*apper."

Elf Puns

Band Puns

An Evening With the Devil

A poor man takes a stroll on a Friday evening. As he's walking, he's thinking about what he can do to get some extra cash in his life. Suddenly, a puff of smoke appears and out of it steps the Devil himself! He whispers, terrifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!" The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money he could pull out of the ATM on 27. He is shocked when he actually wins! Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, "Take all your money - all that you've won - go inside and put them on 27!" - "Again?!" - "Yes! Do it!" - The man quickly yields, goes in again, puts all the money on 27 and ... wins again! Now everyone in the casino is amazed, they check the wheel, nope no tilt or bias (and it was outputting numbers randomly before), seems like genuine luck, reluctantly he's given almost two hundred thousand dollars and leaves elated. Outside he meets the Devil again who again tells him to go put everything on 27, the man is shocked but does so, and wins for the third time! And now he's given most of the casino's bank, millions of dollars, walks out shining like a star, and says to the Devil, "I don't know why people say you're the most sinister being there is, you've been so kind to me today!!" The Devil gives him a pained look and says: "You know something? You are the luckiest son of a gun I've ever bloody seen!!!"

The Naughty Clerk

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa, pay the man."

St. Patrick's Day Puns

Why Do I Have to Stay There?

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantastic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down. “Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Rain Puns

The Price of Discount

Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town. "Let’s go to the fair, Matt,” his wife said, “We haven’t been anywhere for a long time.” Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, “all right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything.” They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small, old looking airplane. "Fun flight!” the notice said, “$20 for 10 minutes.” Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well. "I’ve only got $20,” he told the pilot. “Can my wife come with me for free?” The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets. So he said, “I'll make a bargain with you. If both of you can hold from screaming or shouting the whole flight, you won't have to pay for her.” Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife. The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things, up and down and all around, tricks, fast turns, everything he could to scare them. But they never uttered a word. Eventually, the pilot said, “O.K., we'll land now. None of you made a sound so your can have her ride for free.” "Thank you,” Matt said. “Wasn’t easy, especially when she fell out.”

Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?

Decades ago, two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"

Russia vs. USA Wrestling

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk."

The Catholic Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awoke to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

How Could You Afford That?

Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil. The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home. When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them. "Hmm, yes it is" they both admit. "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction. "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets." The other two smile and nod in understanding. A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party. When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion. They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says: "You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account." The other two are impressed. A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner. When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway. "How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian. "Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician. "No," said both, squinting in that direction. "Exactly."

A Bar, An Empty Glass and Two Audacious Bets

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.” The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass. “Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!” “Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together. The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100. “Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?” The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”

The Old Woman and the Shopkeeper

An elderly woman visited a store that sold jade and requested seven kilograms of potatoes. The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with. The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else. The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots. "Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually." "Oh, that would be grand." she said. The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag. The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?" The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"

Brain Puns

The Boot Size

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered." Said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Deer Puns

Otter Puns

Mummy Puns

My Son the Veterinarian

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" "In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

One Liners for Kids

Two College Students and a Beggar

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity. "Why the hell did you do that? You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!" Desmond laughs: "What...and we weren't?"

The New Bible Salesman

Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them. "Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot." The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew. "Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly. "Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently. Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles. At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?" The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid." Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold. "What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money. “I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them.” Says Andrew.

One Liners and Short Jokes

Christmas Puns

Spice Puns

Baseball Puns

Wisdom or Money?

A man goes on a trip to the desert. At one point, he walks off alone, and suddenly stumbles upon an old lamp. It's old but may bring a few bits, he rubs the lamp and is amazed when a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".

Animal Pick Up Lines

The Moment Has Finally Arrived

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

The Expensive Monkeys

A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to look at the pets. He sees a monkey with a price tag of $5,000. This makes him curious, as most other monkeys are $500 at most. He then goes to the merchant to ask for details. "Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?" "That's our computer monkey. It knows Windows 7 and windows 10, and also knows Word, C++, .net, app programming, and last but not least, it knows how to fix computers if yours breaks." "Wow!" Declared his customer. "That's a good monkey, well worth the money." He goes and finds another monkey with a price of $10,000 and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "That's a highly specialized monkey. It knows 5 languages and can translate fluently between them." "That's amazing!" Says the man excitedly. "That's WELL worth the money!" "Yea, but if you buy one you have to buy all three. They work together." The man follows the seller's pointing finger to yet a third monkey, just sitting there with a price tag of $20,000. "Gosh, what does THIS monkey to justify that ridiculous amount of money?" "To be honest, I've never seen him doing anything, but the other two call him Project Manager."

You're in Trouble Now...

After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?" The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

A Tale of Tortoise and Snail

A tortoise went out for a few beers and, despite being severely worse for wear, decided to walk home through the rough part of town. Half way home he was set upon by four snails who beat him senseless, stole what little money he still had and, as a final insult, they sprayed obscenities on his shell. Utterly distraught, he was taken to the local police station where the fox inspector asked if he could remember anything about the assailants . "I don't know!" He cried, "It all happened so fast!"

Food Quotes

It's Wise to Listen to Directions...

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things' 'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.' As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the darn tequila?' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds. Then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?' The moral of the story? Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

The Cheapest Porsche

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

Christian Pick Up Lines

It's So Cold.... One Liners

The Three Arranged Marriages

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” “The one with the big boobs”.

Orange Puns

The Robbery

It was a late one night in Washington D.C, when a well dressed man went out to smoke in an alley behind a bar. As he was smoking, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out from behind a dumpster and pointed a gun at him. "Give me all your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

The Smart Robber

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established and turned into passive income.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Bacon Puns

Inheritance Confessions

An arrogant, rich man passed away one day In his will, he entrusted $100,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetery together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $80,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $30,000 for myself and only put in $70,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $100,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"

Travel Quotes

Ancient Egypt Puns