I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.