I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!