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Keep

Insults & Comebacks
You're so ugly in your family album they only keep the negatives.
There's a New Bull in Town
There's a New Bull in Town Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "Ahhhh... actually I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I.. I have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."
Quotes
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Corona Virus Jokes
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Vegetable Puns
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Keep calm and carrot on.
Engineering Puns
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Train Puns
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Boat Puns
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Brain Puns
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
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