At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII.
One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.
The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me."
The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture."
The Italian says, "I've had it."
The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck.
Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood.
The other two ask him what happened.
"Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country,"
Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated.
Three days pass and he returns to the cell.
His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied.
"I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku."
Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life.
A whole week passes before he returns.
Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by two soldiers.
One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago. He's a real man, not like you girls."
The other two are shocked and amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break.
They ask him how he did it. He didn't strike them as so formidable.
"I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak."
"What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask.
"The bastards tied my hands behind my back!"
Three men die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter
Peter says to them: "I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas."
The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "This represents the Christmas tree."
He is allowed into heaven
The second man pulls out his keys and jingles them "These represent bells."
He is allowed into heaven
The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear and shows them to St. Peter, who is taken aback.
"Good lord what do THOSE represent?!"
The third man says "Oh well, these are Carol's."
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone.
The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?"
His mother replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife."
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?", pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name.
"We really didn't like Uncle Joe." Said his mother.
A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him. He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows".
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world".
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations".
The woman looks at him wearily and says: "What the heck do you WANT, moron?"
"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Spirit Airlines..."
Three youngsters were in the midst of a spirited debate to determine who had the swiftest dad.
"My dad is the fastest!" Anya exclaimed excitedly. "He's a builder and can chuck a brick off the fifth floor, race down the stairs and catch it before it even hits the ground!"
"That's nothing!" Brad boasted. "My dad is much faster! He's a professional archer and can target an arrow at a wolf's head, fire it, and then run and grab the creature before the arrow even lands!"
"Incredible!" exclaimed Tommy. "But I think my father is way faster!"
"What makes you say that?" asked Anya and Brad curiously.
"My father has been working at the DMV for 20 years," Tommy answered. "he's expected to be off work at 5PM, but he's so speedy he's home by 1!"
A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "Oh my God, what happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
They say about women that...
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like France. She has been through war, and vowed never again.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...
Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.
The American steps up first. "I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra and a gospel choir."
"It will be done." says the genie.
The Japanese goes next. "I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends."
"It will be done." says the genie.
The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear
'Just send me over the waterfall before the bloody song starts and the food gets here."
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