Jokes > Search Results > how to root jasmine

how to root jasmine Jokes

how to root jasmine Jokes and more.

Related Tags: root to how going to not to worry how about now used to be gates to heaven how cold is it need to talk letter to God letter to IRS gate to heaven how do i look how old do I look who wants to be a millionaire come back to bite me how do you catch a squirrel what did one wall say to the other wall hell joke marriage joke heaven joke silly joke

Fairy Puns

Potato Puns

How to Use a Pawn Shop

Bill wandered into Max’s pawnshop and placed a coat on the counter. “How much will you give me for this?” Max checked the coat for a second. “$20, and that’s the best offer.” he replied. “But that coat is worth $100." argued Bill. Max was adamant. “$20 or nothing.” “Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Bill. “Positive. That's the best price you'll get for it.” “Okay,” said Bill. "Here’s $20. The coat was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.”

This Captain Knows How to Assign Blame

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted: "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also soiled your pants."

Funny Limericks

How to Tell Boys and Girls Apart

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls!" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" she asked. My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well…" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

How Long Has It Been?

A female researcher was writing her thesis about the effects of long army service and sexual function. In one of her first meetings with war veterans, some still serving, some honorably discharged, she decides to pose a somewhat delicate question. "Can you please tell me, and don't be shy, when was the last time you had intercourse?" Most of them mumbled some embarrassed reply. Only one man, a general, stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?!" "Yes ma'am." The woman felt terrible for the general, who was actually a good-looking gentleman and decided to break his long dry streak herself. She invites him to her apartment for dinner after the meeting. He agreed, and after a nice meal, the two made passionate love for an hour. Afterward, exhausted, the woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and whispered: "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her confused and said: "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2330 now!"

How to Increase Your Savings

On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party. Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?" Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it." Tim sighs, but he's a good kid, and doesn't fuss about it. They barely walk a few feet, when Scrooge sees a passing taxi and hails it. "How much would you charge to take us home to Springfield Avenue?", Scrooge asks the cab driver. "Springfield Avenue? Around twenty bucks.", says the driver. "Oof! That's too much. We won't be requiring your services, thank you." The cab drives off. Tim turns to his grandfather, exasperated. "Did you *really* think that a taxi to Springfield Avenue would cost less than a bus ride?", he asks, incredulously. "Don't be ridiculous, of course not.", Scrooge scoffs. "Then why did you bother flagging down the taxi, Gramps?!" "Foolish boy! We would've saved $6 by not taking the bus, now we're saving $20 by not taking the taxi!"

Australian Pick Up Lines

How Do You Pronounce This?

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyll on the Welsh island of Anglesey, They started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. “LLan-fair-poo-wee…” said the first. “No no – it’s llan-fair-pi-well…” argued the second. “I think we need to ask a local about this,” the third sighed. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the third asked the blond employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" “Sure!” said the girl behind the counter. She leaned toward them and said: “Burrrrr-gerrrrr-Kinnnnng.”

How to Annoy Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Please leave", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he shoves the smaller man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same man is standing there thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

How The Media Gets its Headlines

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, whothank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page!' 'So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?' The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I'm not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.' The journalist writes it up and leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH! That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

How to Raise Your Grade

A student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve." The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" "Fine, we'll leave it at 90." said the grinning student.

How About That Duck, Sir?!?

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."

Christmas Puns

How Congress Truly Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Dinosaur Puns

Vegetable Puns

How I Became a Millionaire

It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick, the wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation. The preacher wasn't surprised at this. "Just make it quick, Rick." He sighs. "Sure Father." Said Rick. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience: "I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar," he began. "That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts. At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker's cause or keep it for myself. "I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today." he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye. "Oh yea?" an old woman in the audience stood up, "I dare you to do it again!"

Oral Hygiene Puns

This Nun Needs Help

A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ..." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn "nun" out there again!?!"

The Police Interview

A blonde walks into the police department. "What can I do you for?" asks the police officer on duty. "I'd like to join the police!" She says. Amused and bored, the officer decides to "interview" her and ask a few questions: "What’s 2+2?" She replied, “4”. "What’s the square root of 100?" She answered, “10” "Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Puzzled, she responds, “hmmm, I don’t know...” The officer smiles and tells her to go home and think about it. The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job. She responds excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

How Much Do You Charge?

A man finds himself in need of a good lawyer. He finds one online and goes to his office. After being allowed inside, he sits across from the lawyer. He needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks. “Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.” The man was alarmed. “Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?” He inquired. “Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

How to Get to the Eiffel Tower

A blonde was traveling abroad and wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. She tried to ask people and found a policeman who agreed to help her. She asked him "Sorry, how do I get from here to the Eiffel Tower?" The policeman replied: "Wait for bus 37 and get on it, it'll take you there in 10 minutes." The blonde thanked the policeman and he left. Hours later, he happened to go by the same place he left the woman, just to see the blonde is still there! Why are you still here?" The policeman asked," I left you 4 hours ago and you haven't boarded the bus?" "Oh don't worry, Mr. Policeman sir, just a moment ago, the 30th bus passed, there are only seven left to go!"

Joe Knows How to Handle Things at Home

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

How to Cure Snoring

The guys were all at a base camp. No one wanted to room with George, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy roomed with George and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? He said, 'George snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that George shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .' The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked George into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. George sat up and watched me all night. I slept fine.'

How Did You Know?

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

How to Inflate a Car

A blonde lived with two blonde roommates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over. When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. They offer to send the car to a mechanic but she'd have to pay for it. She tells them she has absolutely no money. Couldn't they just send someone anyway? The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents. A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“

How to Give a Cat Its Pill

How to give a cat a pill: 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Take the cat to the vet to get its pills from now on.

Parrot Puns

Yard Puns

How to Escape Hell

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed off about it. “Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with.” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard, they think. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Oh no way. Forget about it.” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. He gets up, in pain but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, good job, I guess. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”

Flower Pick Up Lines

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?" Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Management."

How to Avoid Fatherhood

A pretty blond woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. 5 years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about 5 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah", says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Then let's take these bloody things off!"

How to Get Out of a Blind Date 101

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

How Could You Afford That?

Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil. The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home. When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them. "Hmm, yes it is" they both admit. "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction. "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets." The other two smile and nod in understanding. A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party. When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion. They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says: "You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account." The other two are impressed. A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner. When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway. "How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian. "Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician. "No," said both, squinting in that direction. "Exactly."

How to Start a Sentence...

Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I" After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says "I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher, "I am!" She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again "I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily "It's I am! Use the proper word!" The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation. "Fine," she sighs "I AM the ninth letter of the alphabet."

How to Improve Your Life

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the fisherman. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life." The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"

Tree Puns

How Did She Know??

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'll enjoy a vacation as regular people. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' 'Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Philomena!'

How to Give Your Heritage Respect

A couple just had their first son. The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That's a lot of heritage to inherit. They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage. A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish. After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O'Lee.

Science Pick Up Lines

Garden Puns

How to Get Your Packages

Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers. Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to receive them. I’m getting sick of it.” Mick, understanding his frustration, suggests “Maybe you should fight back, complain about it or something.” Dave confidently replies “Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got it sorted today. I’ve put a sign on the front saying that I trade books for paint thinner.” Mick confusedly asks “And how will that solve the problem?” As though on cue, the doorbell rings and a man is heard calling out that he’s with the local postal delivery service, followed by some choice swearing. Dave, nonplussed by the whole situation, wipes his mouth, stands up and says to Mick “Because I covered the front doorstep with super glue.”

How to Get People Off Drugs

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"

How to Handle Hot Trash

It's a nice day at the university, when members of the teaching staff, a physicist, a law professor, a political science professor, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire! The political science professor says: "Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!" and proceeds to exit the room. The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" The law professor declares: "Please stop blaming the victim, you have yet to prove the can is indeed on fire!" Meanwhile, the three turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire! "What the heck are you doing??" they scream at him. "Getting a proper sample size!"

Electricity Puns

How to Stand Up For Yourself

A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week. It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife's inevitable wrath. “My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said. “What did she say to you?” asked his buddies. “Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied. “And what did you say?” they asked. “I told her it would be fine by me!” “So did she leave?” "Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit."

Winter Puns

Name Pick Up Lines

How to Return a Shirt

I went with a friend to buy a grey cotton sweatshirt. I bought one but when I got home I noticed a little rip in the left sleeve. I showed it to my friend who encouraged me to return it. Would you believe, when I got to the store, the salesperson said "I'm sorry. This isn't the sweatshirt you purchased. Our records indicate that the sweatshirt you bought was 80% rayon and polyester. We can't take back this cotton one." "I'm afraid you're wrong", said I, smiling at my friend, who had been with me through the whole affair. "I did indeed purchase a cotton sweatshirt." I pointed to my friend. "This is my material witness".

How to Turn a Nice Profit

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." "No," she says. "I just want to sleep." He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" She hands him 5 dollars.

How to Keep Love Alive

Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll do it again." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an entire hour. The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age! What's your secret? Could you make love like that 50 years ago??" The pensioner replies, "I don't think so, son. 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"

One Liners for Kids

Baseball Puns

How to Avoid Execution

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

A Meeting of Witches

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the only solution was to convene for a meeting of all the covens, in which they would either strike a deal for peace, or end it all in violent bloodshed. The sea witches arrived first, carried upon a tidal wave that bore them up and onto the coast, the waters crashing loudly as they struck the shoreline as if to announce their presence. The mountain witches rode down the hillside upon magical storm clouds, thunder and lightning bursting from their steeds of vapor, a tumultuous blizzard ravaging the mountains in their wake. The forest witches, shape-shifters, emerged in the form of gnarled roots which encircled the meeting place and rose out of the ground, bending and twisting into humanoid silhouettes from which sprung skin and clothing, as a flurry of leaves swirled around furiously. The sand witches arrived in a catering truck.

How Mommy and Daddy Met

A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?" "Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand... Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story!"

How to Get the Day Off Work

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

How to Get Regular Visits

A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren. "I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!" The second old lady said "Oh I too send checks to my grandchildren and they visit me all the time!" "You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own." said the first one sadly. The second old lady smiled: "No my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours." "So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?" Asked the first one, surprised. "No," chuckled the other old lady, "I just don't sign mine."

Clever Jokes

Prison Puns

Piano Puns

How to Turn Tomatoes Red

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it." Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

Math Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

Math Pick Up Lines

How Bad Words Work

My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he shouldn't say it. He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings. The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won’t stop saying “s*itto”

Pea Puns

Beer Puns

How Many Legs?

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she told the panicked lover. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?!?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Oh ok, you were right."

How Lucky Can One Gal Get?

My wife comes in with a brand new bag, looked expensive. Me: "Honey I see you got a new Gucci bag, where'd you get it?" Wife: "My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings." *next day wife comes home with new, fancy sunglasses. Me: "Wow those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?" Wife: "My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again." *the 3rd day wife drives home in new Ferrari Me: "Let me guess...you and your boss won the lottery again?" Wife: "Yes!! Isn't our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me so I can relax?" Me: "Anything for you, dear." *Wife comes up to see the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water. Wife: "Honey how is this gonna work... You need to fill it with way more water than this." Me: "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet now do we?"

Basketball Puns

Grass Puns

How to Get Permission

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who was staring at them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."'

Football Puns

Plant Puns

Flower Puns

Camel Puns

How Much Does He Charge?

A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door... A boy, about 8, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy. “No, they went into town,” the boy replied. “Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked. “No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said. The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

How Experts Ask for a Raise

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise. The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise. She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?" "Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you." Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Anna: “Your husband he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?” Anna: “Your hozban he did.” Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.” The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.” A moment of silence passes... "So... how much do you want?”

I Wonder How Paul is So Fast

Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office. He was thrilled, because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck. It wasn’t long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. His supervisor was astounded as his speed. At the end of the first day, he approached Paul. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, Sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses!"

How to Answer Politely

My wife has a tendency to go off on random tangents sometimes. In her atypical fashion, she decided that we both needed to get fit, so off we went on a backpacking holiday. After eight days on a series of trails in the wilderness, my wife and I both started to look a little rough around the edges. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder-length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a cow?" I thought for a moment, then said: "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

How to Predict the Weather

Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Native American tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern-day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "the Native Americans are collecting firewood like crazy."

Bowling Puns

Tableware Puns

How to Use Timbuktu!

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

The Bear and the Atheist

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves. While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running... And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!" And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you've doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?" And the man thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done." And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."

Tax Quotes

How to Meet the Pope

A catholic man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope. For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and planned his lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here!"

Wine Puns

Mosquito Puns

How Different Professions Measure

How do different professionals measure the volume of a ball? Mathematician: Measures the dimensions of the ball and calculates the volume. Engineer: Looks up the volume in the ball catalog. Physicist: Submerges the ball in a beaker of water and measures the displacement. Statistician: Compiles thousands of guesses about the volume without a single answer being correct. Lawyer: Explains to you why it is legally someone else's job to calculate the volume. Politician: Tells you every statistic about the ball, from every angle, his opinions on the ball, and his opponents' opinions, but still won't answer the question you actually asked. Banker: Prefers to invest in other people's guesses about the volume and charge a commission on the profits. Psychologist: Sits with the ball for an hour and tries to get it to talk about itself and its volume. Mechanic: Doesn't care about the volume, but asks when was the last time you replaced its timing belt. Economist: Explains that the volume depends on supply, demand, and global market conditions, and predicts that it will likely change in the future. Tech Guy: Develops an app to measure ball volume, which crashes the first time you try to launch it. Doctor: Asks if the ball is experiencing any pain, orders some lab tests, and will get back to you with an answer in two weeks.

How to Hear a Confession

A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on". The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock. "You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next?'"

How the Army Secures a Building

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

How To Avoid the Breathalyzer

A guy gets pulled over by the police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, the guy says. “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Okay,” the cop answers. “Then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim. “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “I can’t do that either.” responds Jim. “Why not?” asks the cop. “Because I'm completely drunk! I could go to jail!"

How to Get the Husband Hot and Heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee. "I don't know what to do.." groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!" "Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband." "Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!" "Well," smirks Sharon, "I just sit next to him and then I slowly put my hand down his pants and say: "My, aren't you cold in there, could use some heating up... works every time!" "You know what, maybe I'll try that." laughs Margie. They meet up again a few days later and Margie is in a terrible mood. "You almost got me divorced!" she says to Sharon. "WHAT? HOW??" Sharon is astounded. "Well, I did what you said, and I stuck my hand down his pants, but it wasn't cold it was already hot!" "So?" asks Sharon, confused. "Well then I asked my husband why the inside of his pants is hot and not cold like Sharon's husband."