I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Only a**holes use bidets.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t