I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
All farts...are laughing gas.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."