"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”