If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.