What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"