Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.