What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica