Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language