Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.