Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.