My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.