What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.