My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.