How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.