Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.