What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.