My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.