How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!