Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".