Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”