What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Case in punt
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.