Bad puns are how eye roll.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Time to celery-brate.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
I'm fondue you, it's true
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.