"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
"Rosé all day."
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles