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holidays Jokes

holidays Jokes and more.
Soccer Puns
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Cheesy Pick Up Lines
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
Mother Puns
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
One Liners and Short Jokes
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Ski Puns
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
The Senior Couple and the Travel Agent
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came into his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Elf Puns
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Funny Work Quotes
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
France Puns
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Poop Puns
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Lobster Puns
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Family Vacation Quotes
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
A Young Programmer Has an Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young programmer: "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?" The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" "Certainly... but you started it."
Bowling Puns
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Christian Pick Up Lines
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Why Did Others Cross the Road? One Liners
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Ghost Puns
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
Bat Puns
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Funny Thanksgiving Poems
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers
Atheists Need a Holiday
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"
The Recommended Treatment
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!" "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me??" asked the man. "Well... no." The doctor replied. "But it's the only food we can get under the door."
It's So Cold.... One Liners
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
If You Can't Count On Family
Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there!" Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, he turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"
Christmas Puns
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Parrot Puns
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Funny Monday Quotes
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
The Lonesome Stranger
Ned decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Carl, so they loaded up Ned's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." Ned said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. About 2 years later, Ned got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Carl and asked, "Carl, that night at the barn, in that farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 2 years ago, do you remember it?" "Sure I do." said Carl. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay the widow a visit at the house?" "Well, um, yes..." Carl said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her a false name?" Carl's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm really sorry, buddy. I panicked a bit and gave her your name, actually. Why do you ask?" "Because I'm rich. She just died and left me everything."
Rabbit Puns
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Zombie Puns
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
The Impatient Mother-in-Law
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night and invites the whole family to spend the holiday and meal together. The family gathers, but the couple's children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud: "Ugh, your children, always late." Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain: "Ugh, what's with the food here, why is it always late?" A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats and the evening continues. While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says: "Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time." A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: "Ugh, this clock... always late."
Llama Puns
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Animal Puns
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Travel Puns
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Egg Puns
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Coffee Shop Pick Up Lines
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Funny Headlines
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
Summer Puns
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
How to Answer Politely
My wife has a tendency to go off on random tangents sometimes. In her atypical fashion, she decided that we both needed to get fit, so off we went on a backpacking holiday. After eight days on a series of trails in the wilderness, my wife and I both started to look a little rough around the edges. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder-length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a cow?" I thought for a moment, then said: "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Gorilla Puns
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Monster Puns
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Bee Puns
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Pig Puns
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Toilet Paper Puns
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Christian Puns
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
The Chinese Complaint
A Chinese man comes to Los Angeles for a holiday. He arrives at LAX and gets a cab to take him to his hotel. On the way he sees a few buses, and he says to the taxi driver: "The buses here are so noisy and really slow... In China the buses are very fast!" The taxi driver says nothing. Later the Chinese tourist sees a marine with a few boats sailing by. He comments again to the driver: "The boats here are so slow... in China the boats are very fast!" The driver kept silent and drove. When they get to the hotel, the Chinese tourist gets out of the taxi and askes for the meter reading. The driver calmly tells him the price, and the man is startled. "Are you kidding?" he yells, "Your buses are so slow, the boats are so slow. If everything else here is so slow then how come the meter of your taxi is so fast?!?" The driver gives him a smile and says: "It's made in China."
A Smart Confession
A boy confesses to his priest. 'Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Nancy Connor?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Judy Cohen?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Kate Takenyo?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rose DeMarco, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' Joey produces a sly smile: 'A four month holiday and five good leads.'
Mummy Puns
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Panda Puns
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.