Jokes > Search Results > dinner grace guests

dinner grace guests Jokes

dinner grace guests Jokes and more.

Related Tags: guests grace dinner

A Dirty-Minded Captain

A jumbo jet is on its final approach coming in to Toronto Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom. "This is your Captain speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what you gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give it to her big-time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta use the bathroom first."

Honey I Want You to Find Out Everything

A young Jewish woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a bible scholar," he says. "A bible scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Frankenstein Puns

Asking Dad a Question

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting — don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

How Long Has It Been?

A female researcher was writing her thesis about the effects of long army service and sexual function. In one of her first meetings with war veterans, some still serving, some honorably discharged, she decides to pose a somewhat delicate question. "Can you please tell me, and don't be shy, when was the last time you had intercourse?" Most of them mumbled some embarrassed reply. Only one man, a general, stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?!" "Yes ma'am." The woman felt terrible for the general, who was actually a good-looking gentleman and decided to break his long dry streak herself. She invites him to her apartment for dinner after the meeting. He agreed, and after a nice meal, the two made passionate love for an hour. Afterward, exhausted, the woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and whispered: "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her confused and said: "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2330 now!"

An Animal Game of Poker

In a part of Las Vegas humans don't know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas... and arguing. Lion: "Stop taking glances at my card, you're a cheetah!" Cheetah: "No, you're a Lion!" Warthog: "You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices." Elephant: "Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGING all the wings!" Warthog: "Tell that to the dude who thinks eating them will make him fly." Ostrich: "You can't talk, you snort off of the table. Also, will we just ignore the fact that one guy ate all the bananas?" Monkey: "Give me a break, I can't even get dinner protein after they fixed all the bugs in the slot machines." Giraffe: "Why don't you just steal leftovers from random plates like I do? You just lean over." The Dog at the table looks at all of them and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, I knew I should have played with my usual crowd!"

That Little Pill

A senior couple decides to try Viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together. In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

The Wife's Math

A woman comes home and find a letter from her husband on the dinner table. She opens it and reads: "My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18...

Funny Animal Quotes

Name Pick Up Lines

A Special Hearing Problem

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her." "Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls. No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting. "HONEY, what's for dinner?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "HONEY, what's for DINNER??". No response. So he walks right up behind her and screams: "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!" His wife turns to him a rage and screams. "CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"

Wine Puns

Bob, Bob, Bob and Bob

A reporter hears of a woman in his town that has the highest welfare payments, and he was curious as to why. So he went to her house to interview her. He got to a little house and after she opens, introduces himself and asks her, "How old are you?" He asked. "27." she said. "And how many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "Wow, ok that explains a lot." He said, taken a back. "And what are their names?" he asked. "Well there's Bob, then there's Bob, and Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and of course Bob." "They're ALL named Bob?" he asked, even more bewildered. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she explained, "I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside." "And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do." She answered. "But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

Mushroom Puns

Tableware Puns

Knock Knock Jokes

The Bank Robbing Couple

Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers. Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught. At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it. After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years. Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage. On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together. The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships. Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."

Easter Puns

Brain Puns

Utensils Puns

Nuts Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

The Wagon Mishap

A young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?" "Under the wagon."

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!" The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

Dear God...

This is a story of a man who worked at the post office. His job was to process all mail items that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed, in shaky handwriting, to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check." "Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with." "I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?" "Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. " "By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

The Circus is in Town

A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner. “The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.” “Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I'm super busy at work right now.” The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing - on a tightrope! Can you imagine?” “Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time." The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha. The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose. “Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?” Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show. The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend. “Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won't be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

Pineapple Puns

The Nip Slip in the Swimming Pool

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom. That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life. When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

Christmas Puns

Working Late Again

A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work, he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and made love for two hours. Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. A-ha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look at what he did to my breasts!"

Fall Puns

Sorry Pick Up Lines

Funny Headlines

The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc. The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and... Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

Jokes For Women

Thanksgiving Jokes

The Super Wife

Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. Sam said, 'Wow I have never seen you play this well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. Sam said to her: 'Wow I have never seen you hit so well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home. Rachel brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and Sam says, 'Delicious! I have never seen you cook like this before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. After dinner she gives him THAT look and they go upstairs. About 30 minutes later Sam rolls over and says 'Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.'

What Mother Superior Found

The mother superior is very upset. She walks into the dinner room and announces to all the nuns to be quiet and listen. "I was walking around the gardens, as I do." She says in a loud voice, "When I found some disturbing things! For one, I found a man's underpants!" All the nuns are taken aback except for one, who is smiling. "Then, " continues the mother superior, "I found a WOMAN'S underpants!" All the nuns gasp together, except for one, who is giggling. "And if that wasn't enough, I found.... a... a... used condom!" All the nuns gasp, and some turn white, except for one, who is laughing quietly. "And in the condom," finishes mother superior, "was a hole." All the nuns laugh, except for one, who is crying.

A Mother Explains

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and make love.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy’s thing. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, dear... Jewelry.”

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: 'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.' Then I had to share my story: 'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”'

Crocodile Puns

Beaver Puns

The Most Important Thing in Life

It was the retirement dinner for Tim Simmons. He’d lived a long life. When he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten diseases. With the little money he earned from his hard work he immediately donated it back into relief funds for all the places he’d visited. His coworkers all loved him, ask anyone and they all say he was the most positive and bright man they’d ever met. This is why it came as no surprise that during his retirement dinner, an angel descended from heaven to speak with him. “You have lived a giving life, one that many could look up too and many relied on to survive. Because of this, we would like to give you a gift- a long and healthy life, all the wealth you could imagine, or unparalleled wisdom.” Tim debates between longevity and wisdom for half a breath but very quickly decides he wants unparalleled wisdom. The angel reaches down, touches his forehead, and leaves without another word. The guests at the dinner, still in a partial state of shock, stare in silence at the slack jawed man. Eventually, his coworker and closest friend speaks up, “Well? How is it?” The room was silent for a few seconds while Tim mulled over the question. “I should’ve chosen the bloody money.” He said.

Food Poems

She Wants Me

A quarrel broke out between a man and a woman while traveling for dinner at a restaurant. They quarreled almost all the way and just before they arrived, the wife said to the husband: "You are very lucky to have me, no other normal woman will want you!". The frustrated husband decided to prove to his wife that she was wrong and find women who would be interested in him already during dinner. The hostess who led them to the table smiled at the husband endlessly, laughed at his jokes and even offered to take his coat, so of course as soon as she left he turned to his wife with a triumphant look on her face. "Don't get too excited, it's just her job and she's married too." "How do you know?" "Because I saw a ring on her finger." A short time later the husband had to go to the bathroom, and on his way back he collided with the chair of a woman sitting alone at a nearby table. He apologized, ordered her a drink at his expense, talked to her for a few moments and sat down with his wife again. "Just so you know, she invited me to sit down for a drink with her!" "Don't get too excited, she's probably half blind." "How do you know?" "Because I saw her enter the restaurant with a walking stick." After a few minutes a waitress went to the table and as she took the order from the couple it was obvious that she was staring at her husband and flirting with him. "Here! You see?!" He said to his wife after the waitress left, "There are normal women who want me!" "Don't be an idiot, she has corona." "How do you know?" "Because if she's interested in you then she has no sense of taste!"

Soup Puns

The "Big" News

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new. A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."

Little Johnny and the Alligator

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Tried it Once...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. “No thanks." says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it". The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks. "No, thanks." the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.” Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club". "That's kind of you, but no, thanks." the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it". Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Mike.." says the plant manager. "Let me guess" the salesman replies with a bitter smile: "An only child?"

Sherlock Holmes Goes Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided to go on a camping trip. After dinner, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his best friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." Also, looking at the stars, I think that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell YOU, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot... Someone stole our tent!"

Hiking Pick Up Lines

The Lie-Sniffing Robot

A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar. He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him. DAD: Son where were you today during school hours? SON: "At school." Robot slaps son. "Ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!" DAD: "Which one?" SON: Harry Potter Robot slaps son again. "Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching an adult movie, okay?" DAD: "What?? When I was your age I didn’t even know those existed!" Robot slaps Dad. MOM: "Hahaha! He's your son, after all!" Robot slaps mother.

Christian Pick Up Lines

Rainbow Puns

Pot Puns

Table Puns

The Joys of Being Over 70

There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example... Kidnappers aren't very interested in you. In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. You get into a heated argument about pension claims. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. And you may not remember who sent you this list.

The Sermon Notes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: "Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass.' David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the crap' out of him. We do NOT refer to the cross as the 'Big T'! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, 'Eat me.' The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry!" The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God." Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. And lastly, don't EVER refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys!""

The Mistresses Dilemma

It was the 1930s and a rich banker and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the heck was THAT?" "Oh," replies the husband sheepishly, "she's just my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more expensive cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. His wife huffed. "Ours is prettier."

The Widow and the $30,000 Funeral

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

Love Puns

The Rules of the Marriage

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

One Liners for Kids

A Blonde in Louisiana

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Great Catch - I'll Buy You Dinner

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible. "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Forgot His Prayers

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!” Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook!”

Funny Haiku

Roses are Red Violets are Blue Jokes

Halloween Puns

Funny Birthday Poems

Zombie Puns

Who's That, Professor?

A middle-aged male professor receives a knock on the door of his office on campus. After fumbling about for a few moments, he opens the door to find an old man, who greets him with a big smile and says: "May I come in? I worked in this very room thirty years ago when I was a professor at this college.” “Sure!” replied the professor. “Be my guest!” The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything. He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old desk." When examining it, he noticed there was a young girl hiding under the desk. The young man got alarmed and stammered, "Don't mistake me. She’s my daughter. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." "And the same old story..." Sighed the old man.

The Personal Ad

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls: "Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8 month old Labrador retriever.

Getting Out Early

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.” Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.” Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.” Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.” Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.” The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy pipes up again. Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.” Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.” Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.” Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.” Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.” Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.” Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.” Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.” Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?” Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?” Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.” Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.” Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?” Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.” The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??” Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.” Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.” Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?” Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”

Flower Puns

The Bodybuilder and the Blonde

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder. Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'. They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He rushes to put his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up with her. "Why did you run away?" He pants. She says, "With all that dynamite, I ran when I saw how short the fuse was!"

My Son Is Better Than Yours

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God".

Phone Puns

The Untrained Maid

Around the beginning of the 20th century, a society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit. The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away. The agency man asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained. Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there. Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom. The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?" Molly swallows nervously and says: "Surely we do madam, but we don't skin 'em!"

The Secret to Having No Enemies

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher. "I don't have any." Said the old lady. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety seven." "That is incredible! Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 97, and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bastards."

The Caterpillars and Their Escape

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped… "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole darn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

Getting Those Snails

One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute. The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home. As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes. "Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!" The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"

Everything For $1

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls."

Strawberry Puns

Meat Puns

The Unexpected Guest

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en-route home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money: HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the lake. HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head in amazement, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?' The cabby replied, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'

Toilet Paper Puns

Goblin Puns

The Awkward Question

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. "Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her: The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

The Australian Discovery

A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner. The American says "We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space." The other two ask, "What? Outer-space?". The American says, "Not exactly, but just a few inches below". After some time, the Russian says, "We are so advanced, we built a submarine that touches the seabed". The other two ask, "What? The actual seabed?". The Russian says, "Not exactly, just a few inches higher". Then, the Australian says, "Well, we have been advanced for centuries. For example, we can pee with our belly buttons!" The other two ask, "what? Belly button?". The Australian says, "Well, not exactly, just a few inches lower."

The Big Bastard

A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Bastard fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Bastard!" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a bastard", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the bastard!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the bastard!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the bastard!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what? You schmucks are alright."

Pig Puns

Why Fishing is Better Than Dating

Why is FISHING better than DATING? WELL... You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises. When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie at the minimum. And don't forget - Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle!

OUR Problem

A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset. His wife looks worried and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything. Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window. "Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says. "It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair." "Your problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?" "Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."

This is Risky Business

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Salad Puns

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

The Talking Clock

Keith was known as a drunk to his friends. One night he was having a housewarming party for his new apartment. While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, Keith led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Observe." said Keith, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For bloody sake, you bastard, it's 2am in the darn morning!!!"

What's Written On This One!?

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. "By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"

Thanksgiving Puns

The Old Man and the Rain

An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him. While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops. "Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more." The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man. He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around. By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them. "Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief. But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him. Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple," said the old man "this always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."

Reminded of Her Youth

A bored minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "S*x!" The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

The Parisian Belle & the Salesman

The owner and head of sales of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in Paris on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was utterly amazed and took her home. To this very day, he still doesn't know how she guessed that he was a furniture salesman!

Funny Parenting Quotes

The Best Man Gets the First Dance

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened... but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened. "Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest." "That must have hurt," said the judge. "No kidding," said the best man. "I broke five of my fingers."

Blonde Is What Blonde Does

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

Bowling Puns