Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
The weather outside is snow joke.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!