My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.