Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”