Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.