I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.